INT. COMIC BOOK STORE - DAY A pile of COMIC BOOKS are on a shelf next to myriad others. The most prominent one is called "BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC". A hand reaches in and pulls one out of frame. HOLDEN opens the comic and flips through it He shakes his head. BANKY looks over his shoulder. BANKY Felt Like this fucking day would never come. Issue two - on the shelf. HOLDEN Yippee. BANKY Don't start, alright! This is a cool moment, and I'd appreciate you not trying to ruin it. How often does a guy get the opportunity to purchase something with his name on it! (points to name on cover) Banky Edwards- right! (points to the other) Holden McNeil. HOLDEN I know my name. BANKY C'mon, sour puss. We got the rest of our lives to be artists. But it's supply and demand. And right now, the unwashed masses demand this. HOLDEN (off comic) This is easy, alright! And right now it pays the bills. Just don't forget that we're better than this. BANKY I'll tell you who we're better than: these two fags right here. They approach the counter, where STEVE-DAVE, the store manager, and WALT the Fan-boy, play a card game. BANKY (lays books on the counter) Alright Old-Maid's - take a break from the Crazy-8's marathon and ring us up. STEVE-DAVE (not looking up) Well, well,well, Walt Did you see who it is! The local celebrities. Quick - get them to autograph one of their books so we can sell it for triple it's value. WALT I'm not that in need of fifteen cents right now. They snicker and high-five one another. Holden rolls his eyes. BANKY You guys operate the smallest, ladies' bridge circle I've ever seen. WALT For your information, we're playing 'Crimson Mystical Mages' - an overpower card game. Not that either of you would give a shit about something as advanced as this - there are no dick or poopie jokes involved. BANKY (to Holden) I don't think they're fans. WALT No, we're not. You're both a couple of fucking no talents that got lucky. STEVE-DAVE And obviously your handlers or hangers- on convinced you that your first comic was good which it was not it was thoroughly mediocre with a few spiky bits of dialogue. And when you get your foot in the door of the business, what do you do! You turn out a piece of shit like 'Bluntman and Chronic'. WALT Tell him, Steve-Dave. STEVE-DAVE (off comic) 'Bluntman and Chronic'. Pah. What was that thing the little stoner pulled on the villain in the last issue! WALT The Stinky-palm. STEVE-DAVE Stinky-palm. You give comics a bad name I tell all my customers not to buy it, to spend their money on a real comic book. WALT Fucking one hit wonder, dime-store Frank Miller's. STEVE-DAVE This is the reality at Comic-Toast - you're not going to get your ass kissed here, because both me and Walt think you suck. WALT And me. STEVE-DAVE I said that. Steve-Dave offers the boys his two middle fingers, then goes back to playing his game with Walt. Holden and Banky stare, shocked. Banky nudges Holden and they both exit Steve-Dave and the Fan-boy slap hands and go back to playing. WALT I've got a dragon card - forty power- ups and twelve life points! Ha! I get your elf card! STEVE-DAVE You're such a bitch! But thankfully, I've saved a dark forces Shaman card for just such an occasion. WALT You suck! Eighty six life-power points to my twenty two! STEVE-DAVE I schooled their asses, now I'm schooling your's. Suddenly. A trash can crashes through the front window. Steve-Dave and Walt hit the deck like bitches, covering one another. They look up slowly. Steve-Dave leaps to his feet and looks at the shattered mess. He pulls something off the garbage can and reads it. WALT You know it was those two fucks! Let's call the cops and have them busted! I know where their studio is! Or better yet, let's sue! You can sue them, Steve-Dave! STEVE-DAVE (still reading note) That won't be necessary. WALT What?! Why the hell not! STEVE-DAVE (holds up check) Because this is a check for three times what that window cost. (reading note) 'Dear critics - thanks for the insight. But like my grandmother always said - 'Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.. and break their window.' Kiss it, Banky the Hack. P.S. - Your card game blows.' WALT He said 'Kiss it'! CREDITS INT. COMIC BOOK: CONVENTION SIGNING BOOTH - DAY A physically large FAN - sweaty brow, tote bag bursting with comics - leans forward, smiling. FAN Could you sign it 'To a really big fan'! Holden sits at a table. Across from the barely-managing- to-stand Fan. He offers him a patronizingly kind, half- smile in return, HOLDEN You bet. We're at a Comic Book show, specifically at a book- signing. Behind Holden hangs a large banner, heralding HOLDEN McNEIL AND BANKY EDWARDS - CREATORS OF 'BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC'. Beside it is a large mock-up of the comic book cover which features two stoner super-heroes who bear a striking resemblance to a pair of very familiar friendly neighborhood drug dealers, Holden hands the book back to the Fan. FAN I love this book man! This shit's awesome. I wish I was like these guys - getting stoned, talking all raw about chicks and fighting supervillains! I love these guys! They're like 'Cheech and Chong' meet 'Bill and Ted'! HOLDEN I like to chink of them as 'Rosencrantz and Guildenstern' meet 'Vladimir and Estragon'. FAN Yeah! (beat) Who! BANKY signs the book of another COLLECTOR. COLLECTOR So you draw this! BANKY (signing the comic) I ink it and I'm also the colorist. The guy next to me draws it. But we both came up with the characters, COLLECTOR What's that mean - you 'ink it'! BANKY Well. It means that Holden draws the pictures in pencil, and then he gives it to me to go over in ink COLLECTOR So you just trace! Banky freezes up. He composes himself and continues signing. BANKY It's not tracing. I add depth and shading to give the image mere definition. Only then does the drawing really take shape. COLLECTOR You go over what he draws with a pen - that' tracing. BANKY (hands book back to Collector) Not really. (calling out) Next! A LITTLE KID steps up but the Collector lingers. COLLECTOR Hey man. If somebody draws something and then you draw the same thing right on top of it, not going out-side the designated original art what do call that! LITTLE KID (shrugs) I don't know. Tracing? COLLECTOR (to Banky) See? BANKY It's not tracing. COLLECTOR Oh, but it is. BANKY (to Little Kid) Do you want Lour book signed or what? COLLECTOR Hey - don't get all testy with him just because you have a problem with your station in life. BANKY I'm secure with what I do. COLLECTOR Then say it - you're a tracer. BANKY (grabbing Little Kid's book) How should I sign this? LITTLE KID (grabs book back) I don't want you to sign it, I want the guy that draws Bluntman and Chronic to sign it. You're just a tracer. COLLECTOR Tell him, Little Shaver. Holden accepts a comic from another Fan. HOLDEN (off comic) Who do I sign it to! Before Holden can finish, a loud crash is heard. He looks to his left and freaks. Banky is throttling the Collector from across the table. The Collector attempts to fight him off. SECURITY GUARDS pull them apart. Holden grabs Banky. COLLECTOR Jesus! All I did was call him a tracer! BANKY (to Collector) I'LL TRACE A CHALK LINE AROUND YOUR DEAD FUCKING BODY, YOU FUCK?! HOLDEN (to Security Guard) Could you get him out of here! The Security Guards drag the collector away. COLLECTOR Hey, wait a sec! He jumped me! And you're dragging me away!! (exiting) Fucking tracer! BANKY (calling OC) YOUR MOTHER'S A TRACER!! HOLDEN Can I explain the audience principle to you! If you insult and accost them, then we have no audience. BANKY He started it! Fucking cock-knocker! He's lucky I didn't put my pen through his thorax! HOLDEN Need I remind you... (holds up watch) Curtain's in ten minutes. INT. COMIC BOOK CONVENTION LECTURE HALL - DAY HOOPER fills the frame. He comes off like a typical, pro- black/anti-white homeboy. HOOPER For years in this industry whenever an African-American character - hero or villain - was introduced usually by white artists and writers - they got slapped with racist names that singled them out as negroes: Black Panther, Black Lightning, Black Goliath, Black Mantra, Black Talon, Black Spider, Black Hand, Black Falcon, Black Cat.. VOICE FROM CROWD She's white. HOOPER She is? (beat) Well bust this - regardless. We're at a panel discussion. The room is full. Five creators sit at a long table, their names on placards in front of them. (One of them is a very striking Girl.) The banner behind them reads WORDS UP - MINORITY VOICES IN COMICS. HOOPER (holds up comic) Now my book, White-Hating Coon, doesn't have any of that bullshit. The hero's name is Maleekwa, and he's a descendant of the black tribe that established the first society on the planet, while all you European mother fuckers were still hiding in caves and shit, all terrified of the sun. He's a strong role model that a young black reader can look up to, 'Cause I'm here to tell you - the chickens are comin' home to roost, ya'll: the black man's no longer gonna play the minstrel in the medium of comics and Sci- Fi/Fantasy! We're keeping it real, and we're gonna get respect - by any means necessary! During the speech, Holden and Banky enter and sit up front. HOLDEN (calling out) Bullshit! Lando Calrissian was a black man, and he got to fly the Millennium Falcon! Hooper whips his head around, looking for the source of the comment HOOPER Who said that?!? HOLDEN (standing) I did! Lando Calrissian is a positive black role model in the realm of Science Fiction/Fantasy. HOOPER Fuck Lando Calrissian! Uncle Tom nigger! Always some white boy gotta invoke the holy trilogy! Bust this - those movies are about how the white man keeps the brother man down - even in a galaxy far, far away. Check this shit. You got cracker farm-boy Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy - blond hair, blue eyes. And then you've got Darth Vader: the blackest brother in the galaxy. Nubian God. BANKY What's a Nubian? HOOPER Shut the fuck up! Now Vader, he's a spiritual brother, with the force and all that shit. Then this cracker Skywalker gets his hands on a light- saber, and the boy decides he's gonna run the fucking universe - gets a whole Klan of whites together, and they're gonna bust up Vader's hood the Death Star. Now what the fuck do you call that! BANKY Intergalactic Civil War! HOOPER Gentrification. They're gonna drive our the black element, to make the galaxy quote, unquote "safe" for white folks. HOLDEN But Vader turns, out to be Luke's father. And in Jedi, they become friends. HOOPER Don't make me bust a cap in your ass, yo! Jedi's the most insulting installment, because Vader's beautiful, black visage is sullied when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty white man! They're trying to tell us that deep inside, we all want to be white! BANKY Well isn't that true! Hooper explodes, He pulls a nine millimeter from his belt, draws on Banky and fires. Banky goes down, falling forward into the crowd The crowd screams and starts to scatter, Hooper jumps over the table and raises his fists in the air. HOOPER BLACK RAGE! BLACK RAGE!! I'LL KILL ANY WHITE FOLKS I LAY MY MOTHER FUCKIN' EYES ON!!! The crowd-is gone. Holden sits in his chair, laughing. Hooper steps off the stage and picks Banky's head up off the floor. HOOPER (breaking character) 'What's a Nubian!' Bitch, you almost made me laugh! Hooper sounds different Actually, he sounds gay. Actually - he is. Banky smiles. BANKY Well what about you! You didn't tell me you were going to scream 'Black Rage'. I nearly pissed myself. HOLDEN How do you manage to get away with this all the time? Shouldn't cops be busting your head open right about now? BANKY Wrong coast. HOOPER (off gun) Well this right here - she full of blanks, okay. And Opiate gets all sorts of legal clearances before I go on. HOLDEN Your publisher condones these theatrics! HOOPER Condones? Honey, they insist. I need to sell the image to sell the book Would the audience still buy the 'Black Rage' angle if they found out the book was written by a.. a... BANKY Faggot. HOOPER When you say if it sounds so sexy... (he kisses Banky full on the lips) BANKY (wipes his lips) Hey, hey! I'll play your victim, but not your catcher. VOICE How is it that you sound like Minister Farakhan when you're on stage.. They turn to see... A beautiful, blonde, ruffled-haired angel swinging her purse in a circle. Her name is ALYSSA. She's the striking Girl from the panel who didn't get to say much. ALYSSA ...and the King of Pop when you're nor. HOOPER Look out, boys - this kitten has a whip. ALYSSA (shoves and slaps him) Always before I get to speak! I swear - the next con I attend and they ask me to be on the minority panel, if I see your name anywhere near the List, I'm passing. HOOPER (defending himself) Holden. Banky - this pile of P.M.S. is Alyssa Jones. She does that book 'Idiosyncratic Routine'. This is the fourth panel we've been on together, and even though she knows my publisher sets this up and pays for the event. She still gets mad when it ends with my act. ALYSSA I just wish I was the one who gets to shoot you. HOOPER That's what my father said when I came - nay - leapt out of the closet (off guys) These boys do 'Bluntman and Chronic', which outsells both of our books put together, hence they're never on a panel with the likes of us. They slumming right now. BANKY I've read your book. It's cute. Chick stuff, but cute. Holden hits him. BANKY What? HOLDEN (shoots him a look; to Alyssa) Sorry about him. He's dealing with being an inker. ALYSSA (to Banky) Oh. You trace! Banky seethes. HOLDEN (shaking her hand) I really enjoy your book I'm surprised we've never met at any other Con's before. ALYSSA Lose the dick or change your skin tone and we can get to know each other on panel after panel while the Pink Black Panther here plays Chuck D. for the fanboys. HOOPER Hey, jealousy. (to the Boys) I told Alyssa I'd buy her a post-rave drink. Do the Garden-Staters have to sprint to the Lincoln Tunnel, or can you stay for a round in the big, scary city! BANKY We're gonna take off soon... HOLDEN We'll go. Banky offers Holden a puzzled glance. Then he nods to Hooper. BANKY We'll go. INT BAR - NIGHT Holden, Banky, Alyssa and Hooper sir around a table drinking, talking, and smoking. BANKY Archie, alright! Archie and the Riverdale gang were a pure and fun- lovin' bunch. You can't find dysfunction in those comics, because they were just flat out wholesome. HOOPER Archie and Jughead were lovers. (sips his drink) BANKY Shut the fuck up. HOOPER It's true. Archie was the bitch and Jughead was the butch - that's why Jughead wears that crown-looking hat all the time: he the king, of queen Archie's world. BANKY Man, I feel a hate-crime coming on HOLDEN He's got a point. Archie never did settle on Betty or Veronica. BANKY Because he wanted them both at the same time, you assholes! He never chose one because he was trying to get both of them into a three-way! HOOPER (pulls out a dollar and hands it to Banky) Here. I want you to go down to the corner store and buy yourself a clue. Go on. BANKY Eat it. Urkel. HOOPER I told you to watch it with that Urkel shit. Face it, girl - Archie's a sister. BANKY (getting up; to Hooper) That's it. You. HOOPER Moi? BANKY You are marching back across the street with me, and we're going to pick up a shit load of Archie books, I am going to prove to you - beyond the shadow of a doubt that Archie was all about pussy. Come on. HOOPER (sliding out of booth) This boy is conflicted, I shall play mother-therapist for him. You two sit tight. We shall return promptly. Banky and Hooper exit, leaving Alyssa and Holden alone at the table. ALYSSA Is he always Like that! HOLDEN For years now. Started back in third grade - a nun was teaching us about the Blessed Trinity. She's going on about the three persons in one God thing - Father, Son, Holy Spirit - and he just goes ballistic. I guess it was too big for him to grasp. They got into this huge fight. ALYSSA Please. How bad could it have been! HOLDEN You ever seen a nun call a small child a 'fucking cunt-rag'? Wasn't pretty, Shit like that's bound to happen when you make a kid wear a matching tie and slacks everyday. ALYSSA And your parochial school misadventures! HOLDEN Limited to wine-tasting prior to mass. Turned me into a grade school alcoholic altar boy. I couldn't tell you how many mornings after serous benders I'd wake up next to strange priests. ALYSSA Aren't you the sharp wit! HOLDEN Sharp! No. I'm just a fan of clergy- molestation humor. Probably why the extended family quit inviting me to First Communion parties. Alyssa laughs. Holden smiles. ALYSSA (looking OC) You play darts! HOLDEN Not professionally. You know - only in bars. AT THE DART BOARD A dart hits the board then, one hits the wall beside the board. Alyssa winds up with another dart. Holden watches. Her's always hit. His never do. ALYSSA So your new book seems to be selling like mad. HOLDEN It goes back to something my grandmother told me when I was a kid. "Holden," she said "The big bucks are in dick and fart jokes." She was a church-goer. ALYSSA Uh-oh - the cry from the heart of a real artist trapped in commercial hell - pitying his good fortune. I'm sure you can dry your eyes on all those fat checks you rake in. HOLDEN I'm sorry - did I detect a note of bitter envy in there! ALYSSA Nope. I'm happy my stuff gets read at all. There's very little market for hearts and flowers in this spandex- clad, big pecs, big tits, big guns field. If I sell two issues, I feel like John Grisham. HOLDEN (looking out window) It's all about marketing. Over- or underweight guys who don't get laid - they're our bread and butter. People like those two outside should be yours. Through the window, we see a COUPLE making out on the hood of a car. HOLDEN And sadly, there are more of our core audience out there than yours. (smiles) Look at that, though - kind of gives you a little charge, to see two people in love. And all over Banky's car, no less. That car's seeing more action right now than it's seen in years. ALYSSA Bubbly guy like that, it's hard to figure out why. HOLDEN (still looking at OC Couple) You've gotta respect that kind of display of affection. It's crazy, rude, self-absorbed - but it's love. ALYSSA That's not love. HOLDEN Says you. ALYSSA That out there! That's fleeting. HOLDEN Fleeting. ALYSSA Uh-huh. You wanna hear about love! Oh, I'll tell you about love. HOLDEN A story? ALYSSA The story. The original love story. HOLDEN 'Doctor Zhivago'. ALYSSA Nope. My mother's uncle. He was a millionaire. HOLDEN Get out. ALYSSA I kid you not. HOLDEN Explain. ALYSSA All through high school, he dated this one girl. They were inseparable. And when they graduated, she went off to Carnegie Mellon... HOLDEN In Pittsburgh. ALYSSA I'm impressed. So he stays in the home town, and they begin their long- distance relationship. The plan is, on the third Sunday of every month, he'll train out, spend a week then train back. They do this for four years. HOLDEN That is love. ALYSSA Not nearly finished. Two months before she's going to graduate, he's got this job digging graves, and he comes across... HOLDEN A stiff. ALYSSA A steamer trunk containing silver ingots. HOLDEN Get out of here. ALYSSA Many, many silver ingots. Now, my mother's uncle being quite the ingenious chap - he buries the trunk again and heads up to the main office, where he proceeds to purchase a cemetery plot. Guess which one? HOLDEN Clever. ALYSSA So now he owns the plot and all of its contents. Two days later, my mother's uncle is worth three million. HOLDEN At which time he marries the high school sweetheart and lives happily ever after. ALYSSA Not even close. Inside the steamer trunk, stenciled into the wood, or something like that, is a curse. HOLDEN Someone wrote 'Fuck' inside his new steamer trunk. ALYSSA Not that kind of curse. A cryptic curse "Great fortune means great loss" it said. HOLDEN What kind of asshole writes that inside a steamer trunk! ALYSSA The same kind of asshole that buries silver ingots. The day my mother's uncle is heading out to see the girl, he stops at his accountant's to grab some cash, and winds up missing his train. So he has to take the next one - which he does - and he gets there an hour later than his usual time of arrival, whereupon he sees lights. HOLDEN A hero's welcome for the new millionaire. ALYSSA It seems that while she was standing on the platform waiting that extra hour for my mother's uncle to show up, the girl was dragged into the bushes by an unknown assailant, raped and gutted. Holden is silent Alyssa downs her drink. ALYSSA The assailant was never apprehended. HOLDEN (beat) That's a love story!! ALYSSA Yes, and here's why: my mother's uncle rode that train every day for the rest of his life. One day up, the next day back. Did that 'till the day he died. He donated the fortune he'd acquired to the train station in Pittsburgh, to have a well-lit terminal built. The train line let him ride for free after that. HOLDEN I should hope so. Jesus, that's the saddest tale I've ever heard. ALYSSA That's my love story. Alyssa tosses her last dart. Holden seems a bit dazed. He looks out the window. HOLDEN Those two aren't on the hood of Banky's car anymore. ALYSSA I told you. It wasn't love. (grabs her purse) I gotta split. It was really nice meeting you. I wish you the best of luck with your book. (shakes his hand) Tell Hooper I'll call him later. And tell your friend to calm down. Alyssa exits to the night. Holden stares after her. Two beats later, Hooper and Banky enter, holding an 'Everything's Archie' comic between them. BANKY You're insane. Archie is not fucking Mister Weatherbee! HOOPER Deny, deny, deny. (to Holden) Where's Alyssa? HOLDEN Huh! Oh. She left. She said she'd call you later. BANKY (off comic) He's just offering to help Archie with his homework! HOOPER Read between the lines. BANKY (shoves book at him) Fuck this. (to Holden) Let's go. Traffic. (no response from Holden) Holden! HOLDEN (shaken) What! BANKY Let's go. HOOPER (looking out window) D'jou see that dent in the hood of your car! BANKY (looking out window) What the...! Son of a bitch! Banky runs out Holden shrugs at Hooper. HOOPER Let me guess: you like her! HOLDEN Who? HOOPER Miss Alyssa Jones. HOLDEN She's alright. HOOPER As long as that's all. (finishes drink) Maybe you can convince that partner of your's to drop me off downtown before you scurry out the tunnel! HOLDEN (beat) Mister Weatherbee wasn't really trying to fuck Archie, was he! They begin exiting. HOOPER Hell no. Weatherbee was Reggie's bitch. INT. STUDIO - DAY We're in Holden and Banky's studio/apartment. It's a rented loft-style place with high ceilings, wood floors and sparse furnishings. There are posters on the walls, a sort of kitchenette, a hockey net, a big TV. (with all the trimmings - VCR, Laserdisc player, Sega, SNES), a huge comfy couch, and two drawing boards with adjacent desks (littered with pencils, pens, coloring pencils, paints, erasers, etc.) - at which sit Holden and Banky. They're working. Some music plays. C.U. OF HOLDEN PENCILING - over his shoulder, we see Holden sketching Chronic in mid-attack of his arch- nemesis - the Giggler. Holden erases a line and re- draws. C.U. OF BANKY INKING - over his shoulder, we see Banky outlining a pre-penciled page. He traces Bluntman swinging from a street light. The two work in silence. Then... BANKY (not looking up) This is one of the best street lights you've ever drawn. HOLDEN It's the one across from the post office. BANKY Looks just like it. HOLDEN Thanks. (beat) What do you wanna do tonight! BANKY Get a pizza. Watch 'Degrassi Junior High'. HOLDEN (erases) You got a weird thing for Canadian melodrama. BANKY I've got a weird thing for girls who say 'aboot'. The phone starts ringing. Holden answers it, while still drawing. HOLDEN Bank-Hold-Up. CROSSCUT between Holden and Hooper. He's on a phone in a CLUB. HOOPER Hooper here. Listen, I know how you burb-fiends hate the city, but there's a club shindig going down that I think you'd get into. HOLDEN Where is it? HOOPER Place called Her-sterectomy - I'm tempting as bar-keep. HOLDEN I don't know, Hoop. We're prepping the next issue, and we've got our big M-TV meeting in the morning. HOOPER I told her you wouldn't be interested. HOLDEN Told who? HOOPER Alyssa. HOLDEN Alyssa from last night Alyssa? HOOPER How do you begin and end a question with the same word like that? You got skill. Yes, that one. She asked me to invite you. Now here's the part where you say... HOLDEN I'll be there. HOOPER Thought so. Ten o'clock. Later. (both hang up) BANKY Who was that? HOLDEN Hooper. He invited me to a club. BANKY When's that faggot going to learn - you like chicks. HOLDEN (getting up) Not that kind of a club. BANKY So when we leaving? HOLDEN 'We'? You can't go. He's setting me up with Alyssa. BANKY And? HOLDEN And I don't want you messing it up. BANKY Like I care about your shit. Maybe I'll hook up myself. HOLDEN (pulling on coat) I just told you - it's not that kind of club. BANKY How does one man get to be so funny! HOLDEN (throws him his coat) How are you going to get home if I hook up! BANKY Like that'll happen. HOLDEN Let me explain something to you, my witless chum the other night in that bar, we two - Alyssa and I shared a moment, alright! BANKY Oh, you had a moment! HOLDEN (brings his two pointer fingers together) We shared a moment. And in that moment, one thing was made abundantly clear: this girl loves me, my friend. Loves-me. 6. INT. HER-STERECTOMY - NIGHT 6. It's a club - people are mingling, a band is playing, it's loud. But something's fishy. Hooper's tending bar. He hands a GUY a drink. The Guy sips it. GUY This is so watered down. It's terrible. Why is it you can never get a decent drink in these places! Hooper looks around in a very exaggerated fashion. GUY What are you doing! HOOPER Trying to find you a tissue. The Guy shoots Hooper an angry glare, Banky enters. BANKY Alright - bring on the free hootch. HOOPER As long as you don't bitch about how little alcohol is in the drink. (hands Banky a drink; to Guy) You owe me five sixty. GUY (off Banky) And I suppose you're going to make your friend here pay for his drink right! BANKY Hey, I befriended a guy in a position of authority so I could abuse that authority and get free shit. You want to do the same? There's a lonely Hindu works at the'7-ll' across the street. Get in tight with him. The Guy angrily pulls out his money and slams it on the bar. GUY I work at that '7-11'! (storms away) BANKY (calling after him) Wanna be friends! HOOPER Where's your better half! BANKY Taking a piss. Guy's got a bladder like an infant. HOOPER That's funny - he says you're hung like an infant. BANKY Must his mother tell him everything! Holden enters. BANKY What'd you do - fall in love? HOLDEN Where is she? HOOPER Over there... ON THE DANCE FLOOR - in the middle of a thrall of people - dances Alyssa. She moves like a cat and she's looking very sexy. OC HOOPER Been dancin' for an hour. Hasn't stopped yet. Hooper, Holden, and Banky stare OC. BANKY She ain't no Denny Terrio, I'll say that. Holden smacks Banky and moves to exit. HOOPER Wait. wait, wait - there's something you should know. HOLDEN She's got a boyfriend. HOOPER Well.. no. HOLDEN Then what's to know? Holden exits; They watch him go. Banky looks around. BANKY There're a lot of chicks in this place. HOOPER 'Chicks'. You're such a man. BANKY (beat) He didn't really say that about my dick, did he! ON THE DANCE FLOOR - Holden slips into the crowd and dances up to Alyssa. He intentionally bumps into her. HOLDEN (fake rage, dancing) Hey, hey, hey - you fucked up my cabbage-patch! ALYSSA Well, well, well - Bluntman himself. Or should I call you Chronic! HOLDEN Call me flattered. I heard you sent me the invite to this little soiree'. ALYSSA From a former home-town girl, to Mister Home-Town himself. HOLDEN You're saying you're from the 'burbs! ALYSSA Middletown, N.J. HOLDEN Get out of here! I'm from Highlands! ALYSSA I know. Hooper told me. HOLDEN How is it that we never ran into one another? ALYSSA You graduate from Hudson? HOLDEN Yeah. Eighty eight. ALYSSA I went to North. Also eighty eight. HOLDEN What a small fucking world. So you know the tri-town area! ALYSSA Quiz me. HOLDEN Miller Hill? ALYSSA I wrote my name on the wall. HOLDEN Sandy Hook? ALYSSA Lost my virginity there. HOLDEN This is so cool. The mall! ALYSSA Eden Prairie of Menlo Park! HOLDEN Wait - here's the big test: Quick Stop! ALYSSA My best friend fucked a dead guy in the back room. HOLDEN You know that girl!! ALYSSA I did. Before she was committed. HOLDEN You know what this is! This is fate. ALYSSA (regarding her move) No, this is the 'Rog'. HOLDEN I was talking about us meeting - what are the chances! ALYSSA Pretty slim. I haven't been back to the 'burbs since my friend's funeral. HOLDEN The Quick Stop girl died! ALYSSA Another friend - Julie Dwyer. She died in the.. HOLDEN Y.M.C.A pool! Damn! You knew her too! ALYSSA So well. HOLDEN One friend in an asylum, the other friend in the grave. You're a dangerous person to know. ALYSSA But I can tap. (does an impromptu tap dance) That was the Buffalo Two-Step. HOLDEN Very solid. ALYSSA That's what six years of tap lessons yields. HOLDEN Two towns away from each other for years and we had to meet in New York. The Sand stops playing. People clap. ALYSSA Coulda been worse - we could have not met at all. Holden looks at her. OC SINGER Thank you. Thanks. The SINGER on stage speaks into the microphone. SINGER A long time ago, we used to have this bass player who took off one day to draw funny books or something. Maybe you've seen her stuff - it's called 'Idiosyncratic Routine'' The crowd applauds. Alyssa shakes her head, smiling. Holden pokes her. SINGER But what a lot of people don't know is that she used to harbor these delusions that she could sing. And she used to subject us to these throaty renditions of Debbie Gibson tunes and shit, insisting that we let her front on a few numbers. Well, we didn't and she quit.. and then she got famous, the bitch. (crowd laughs) But she's here tonight, and I think if we all begged, or maybe offered her some X, she'd get up here and treat us to some of her vocal stylings. (crowd applauds) What do you say, Alyssa? Alyssa shakes her head no. The crowd urges her. Holden pushes her forward. SINGER She's shy. (yelling) GET UP HERE AND SING, BITCH!! The crowd thunders. Alyssa offers the Singer an embarrassed half-smile. She looks at Holden, who claps along with the others and nods toward the stage. Alyssa shakes her head and relents, heading through the crowd Banky and Hooper stand at the bar. BANKY This is so queer. (he exits) HOOPER (beat) You don't know the half of it. Alyssa jumps on stage, hugging the Singer. She takes the mic, shaking her head. The crowd is applauding. ALYSSA She is such a twat. The crowd cheers. Alyssa laughs. She turns to the band and says something which they nod. She turns back to the crowd. ALYSSA Alright. I should dedicate this, right? (thinks) This is for that special someone our there. Holden smiles. Banky joins him. Holden glances at him. Banky offers a mocking mimic of his smile. The band starts playing. Cross cutting begins. Alyssa launches into a torchy tune. The song is extremely sexy - as is Alyssa who works the mic, making direct eye contact with... Holden. Or does she! Holden is smiling, being seduced, Banky rolls his eyes. Beside Holden, stands a pretty GIRL with a short haircut, who's also riveted by Alyssa's performance. Alyssa makes big-time eye contact with somebody out there. The song seems to be aimed at whoever she's looking at. It's more than obvious there's a seduction going on, bur of whom! At the end of the song, the crowd goes wild but Alyssa's preoccupied. She points to someone in the crowd, and curls her finger back in a 'c'mere' fashion, urging whoever it is to join her. She jumps off the stage. Holden shakes his head sheepishly and looks downward, aw- shucks style. At that moment, the Girl beside him leaps forward. Banky's eyes widen. Holden looks up and is suddenly taken aback. Alyssa and the Girl race into each other's arms and fall into a way-to-passionate-to-mean-anything-else kiss. Holden's eyes bug. Banky allows a smile to creep across his face. The crowd applauds. Banky looks around, and for the first time, we get the distinct impression that this is a lesbian bar... There are a lot of chicks in this place. Gay chicks. Banky looks at Holden and slaps him on the back. BANKY Now that, my friend, is a.. (brings his fingers together, mimicing Holden) ...shared moment. Holden continues to stare - mouth agape. Alyssa and the Girl continue to kiss. INT. HER-STERECTOMY - LATER Banky, Holden, Alyssa and the Girl from the dance floor sit around a table. Alyssa and the Girl continue to make out. Holden and Banky casually watch, wide-eyed. Banky stares a little harder. Holden hits him. BANKY What?! HOLDEN (under his breath) That's rude. BANKY Man, when are we ever going to get a chance to see this kind of shit live without paying for it? Alyssa and the Girl break their kiss. ALYSSA Uh-oh - better knock it off: we're getting a man excited. HOLDEN Sorry. It's just... new to him. BANKY Oh, and you're an old hand at this. ALYSSA No, I should apologize. I don't usually get all mushy in public. But it's been awhile since I've seen Kim here. KIM (formerly the Girl) Tell me you didn't set that gross display up with the band just so you could nail me. ALYSSA Like I'd have to go through that much effort KIM You know what! I want to dance. ALYSSA Go ahead. I'll watch from here. KIM (tugging at her arm) No. I want to dance with you. ALYSSA Don't be such a rag. I have to sit here and work up the desire to fuck you later. KIM Please. Kim exits. Banky is smiling ear-to-ear. Alyssa looks at him. ALYSSA Yes? BANKY You said 'fuck'. To that girl. You said you'd 'fuck' her. ALYSSA And? BANKY How can a girl 'fuck' another girl! Were you talking about strap-ons or something? HOLDEN (hits him) Would you shut up!! BANKY What!!? It's a valid question. You know the dyke stuff in the Penthouse Letters section is written by guys - this is our chance to get the inside scoop. HOLDEN (to Alyssa) I don't know how many times I can apologize for him. ALYSSA It's okay. Secretly, all I really want is to be the center of attention. (to Banky) I've never used a strap-on. BANKY Then what's with saying 'fuck? Shouldn't you say 'eat her out' or at least modify the term 'fuck' with something like 'fist'? ALYSSA Let me ask you a question - can men 'fuck' each other! BANKY Ask Hooper. ALYSSA In your estimation. BANKY Sure. ALYSSA So for you, to 'fuck' means to penetrate. You're used to the more traditional definition - you inside some girl you've duped, jack-hammering away, not noticing that bored look in her eyes. BANKY Hey - I always notice the bored look in their eyes. ALYSSA (laughs) 'Fucking' is not limited to penetration, Banky. For me it describes any sex when it's not totally about love. I don't love Kim, but I'll fuck her. I'm sure you don't love every girl you sleep with. BANKY Some of them I downright loathe. ALYSSA But I'll bet it's different with the ones you love. I'll bet you go the full nine when it's not just a quick fix - like you go down on them longer or something. HOLDEN Here we go. BANKY I don't do that. ALYSSA What?!?! BANKY I stopped dropping. It got to be too frustrating. HOLDEN As stupid as you usually come off during this diatribe of your's, you're going to come off ten times as stupid on this occasion. BANKY What?! I lost my tolerance for the bullshit baggage that comes with eating girls out. What's the big deal?! ALYSSA If you say the smell, so help me, I'll slug you. BANKY Not the smell - the smell is good. I'm talking about not being able to do it property. And my mother brought me up to believe that if I can't do something right I shouldn't do it at all. Of course, my father told me she gave lousy head, but that's beside the point. ALYSSA At least you blame yourself for your sexual inadequacies. BANKY No, I blame them. Chicks never help you out. They never tell you what to do. And most of them are self- conscious about that smell factor, and so most of the time they just lay there, frozen like a deer in the headlights, right? Not for nothing, but when a chick goes down on me. I let her know where to go, and what the status is. You gotta handle it like CNN and the Weather Channel - constant updates. HOLDEN You're such an idiot. ALYSSA No, he's got a point. That's how I was in high school - I was nervous, and inhibited about being eaten out. But by the time I got to college, that all changed. I loosened up. Not only did I learn to communicate - I learned to be bossy. I was like one of those guys at the airport with those big flash lights - waving them this way, directing them that way, telling them when to stop. BANKY And that's all I'm saying, it'd be different if chicks helped out - pointed a guy in the right direction. Then there'd be no bullshit, no wasted time, and no chance for permanent injuries. ALYSSA Permanent injuries? BANKY Sure. You wanna see something permanent! (pulls our front tooth) I got this from Nina Rollins, sophomore year. I'm going down on her, and out of nowhere, her cat jumps on her stomach. She does this big ol' pelvic thrust - cracks my tooth in half, sends it down my throat. I had to get a crown for the stub. ALYSSA (to Holden) I got that beat. (to Banky) I got that beat. (half-turns and lifts chin) Sophomore year. I'm going down on Cynthia Slater in her dorm room after we went club-hopping. I'm totally drunk, and in the middle of it, I fall asleep - right there in her lap. She got so mad, she digs her heel into my back, right there. (points to scar) That's permanent. BANKY You see this! (moves neck slightly right) That's the farthest I can move my neck to the right, Sophomore year, I'm going out with Maria Bennert, and for six months, I'm going down on her, and not a damn thing's happening. Then one night, I change a position, or vary my lapping-speed, and suddenly it's a whole new world. She's moving around, convulsing, breathing heavy. And her legs are pressing against my ears so tightly that I don't hear her father come into the room. He grabs my hair... (grabs his own hair and pulls back) ...and he pulls me way back, hard. ALYSSA (throws up her leg, and rolls up pants) Senior year. Spring Formal. I'm eating our Missy Kurt in her brother's car. She's laying across the back seat, and I'm half-hanging out of the car, my knees on the ground. She's flailing around, and she knocks the parking brake off. The car starts rolling down the hill, and my right knee is cut up all to shit like a kiddy's scissor class cut it up for paper dolls. Banky and Alyssa laugh. Holden looks at a small scar on his arm and thinks better about mentioning it. Then Kim re-enters and plants a big kiss on Alyssa's neck. HOLDEN (off Banky's watch) Holy shit, is that the time. We've gotta beat traffic. BANKY What traffic - it's one thirty in the morning! HOLDEN (getting up) And rush hour starts in six hours. Let's go. (to Alyssa) Thanks for inviting us out. It was... educational. Alyssa waves at him as he exits. Banky slides out of the booth. BANKY (to Kim) Since you like chicks, right.. do you just look at yourself in the mirror all the time? Holden reaches in and pulls Banky out. Alyssa watches them go, then turns and kisses Kim. INT. M-TV EXEC'S OFFICE WAITING ROOM - DAY Holden looks preoccupied. Banky flips through magazines, biting off mini pieces of the gum he's chewing. He sticks them between pages, presses the mag closed, picks up another one and then repeats the whole process. A Receptionist types. BANKY (off Holden's look) You're still dwelling on the dyke, aren't you? HOLDEN Lower your voice. BANKY What'd I tell you - she just needs the right guy. All every woman really wants - be it mother, senator, nun - is some serious deep-dicking. The Receptionist stops typing and looks at Banky, shocked. BANKY (off her look) Don't give me that look - I heard Adam Curry say worse. The Secretary goes back to typing. Banky shrugs at Holden. BANKY That's why I can't buy lesbians. Everyone needs dick. See, I can buy fags. Bunch of guys that need dick - just plain need it? That I get. Dykes? Bullshit posturing. But - live and let live, I guess. HOLDEN I'm sure the gay community appreciates your support. JOHN SLOSS, the boy's lawyer, joins them. SLOSS Please tell me you haven't blown this deal already. BANKY Sloss like a mother fucker. (slaps his hand) SLOSS Hey, every mother but your's - a shyster's gotta have his standards. Shall we? INT. M-TV EXEC'S OFFICE - DAY The EXECS are a casual couple of guys, sitting on couches across from our trio. EXEC 1 We just want to start off by saying that it's a pleasure to finally meet you. While it's been - shall we say - an experience dealing with Sloss here, one of the main reasons we started this whole thing was to meet the guys that do 'Bluntman and Chronic'. EXEC 2 (points at them) 'Snootchie Bootchies'. The Execs and Sloss laugh. Holden and Banky politely join in. Banky shoots Holden a 'these guys are idiots' look. EXEC 1 Which brings us to our proposal: we are extremely interested in doing twelve, half-hour 'Bluntman and Chronic' cartoons. The age of Beavis is coming to a close, and we're looking for something... something... BANKY Even more retarded and juvenile to sate the voracious, intellectually- challenged miscreants that make up your key demographic. The Execs laugh hard. Sloss secretly shrugs to Banky and gives the thumbs up. EXEC 1 (composes himself) So what do you say! Are we in business! Banky leans back into the couch, wearing a thoughtful face. He looks to Holden, then to Sloss. Sloss nods in understanding. SLOSS Jim, Sean - could we have a few minutes! EXEC 2 (looks to Exec 1) Uh... absolutely. We'll just.. EXEC 1 Uh...wait outside The Exec's smile and head our, closing the door behind then. Sloss turns to Banky. SLOSS So? Did I do good? BANKY You did better - you sold us out! They clasp hands and quietly explode in ebullience. SLOSS Do you know how much you'll make on merchandising alone! BANKY (as Simon Bar Sinister) Money and Power, and Money and Power... SLOSS (joins in) Money dnd Power, and Money and... HOLDEN (interrupting) I don't think it's a good idea. Banky and Sloss freeze. They stare at Holden. BANKY What's not a good idea! Please don't say the cartoon, please don't say the cartoon... HOLDEN The cartoon. SLOSS What?!? Are you out of your fucking mind! BANKY (getting up) John, let me handle this. ( to Holden) You are out of your fucking mind, aren't you! HOLDEN Is this how you want to be remembered! As the guy who created Bluntman and Chronic! Banky sits at the Exec's desk and starts rifling through the guy's stuff. BANKY No, I'd like to be remembered as the filthy rich guy who created Bluntman and Chronic. HOLDEN But it'll be all glossy and main- stream. We'll lose any artistic credibility we ever had. SLOSS (to Banky) Is it me! I don't see the problem. BANKY (to Sloss) He just has to get over this crush of his. SLOSS Oh God - not on Carrie Fisher again! (to Holden) Holden - she's not really a Princess. BANKY (opening drawer with a letter opener) Not on her; on Alyssa Jones - the chick that does that comic book 'Idiosyncratic Routine'. You ever seen it? SLOSS Please. Like I even read your comic, let alone anyone else's, (to Holden) I'm not limited to offering you legal counsel only, my friend. I'm also learned in the ways of the heart, and can offer you this advice - nail her, get it out of your system, and move on. Like we say at Sloss Law - good fences make good neighbors. BANKY She'd never let him in her yard. The chick's gay. SLOSS (laughing) She's gay? You fell for a gay, comic- book writing chick? Holden, you poor, poor man! (beat) Wait a sec - does she have representation! BANKY Always working, you. (holds up a Polaroid of a naked woman) Look at this - Mrs. M-TV Exec has a string of pearls hanging our of her ass, SLOSS Would you leave his stuff alone! (to Holden) You can break her resolve, killer. All it takes is one good man. But if it takes two good men, don't hesitate to call me. That being said, in regards to the more pressing issue, I suggest you leave art to the museums and grab on with both hands to the big, fat check. HOLDEN I'll give it some thought BANKY (holding up Polaroid) I'm taking this as a precaution - just in case they give us any shit about pussy's decision delay. (glaring at Holden) You'll 'give it some thought'. You're so retarded HOLDEN I'm retarded! This from the guy who only forty five minutes ago paid fifty bucks for what's supposed to be a boot- leg of 'March of the Wooden Soldiers' with a deleted scene of Stan Laurel wearing a French Tickler. SLOSS How'd you fall for that! BANKY The guy who sold it to me had an honest face. INT. STUDIO - DAY There is a door. There's a knock at the door. Holden opens it and Alyssa is standing there. ALYSSA Somebody told me that they make comic books here, and I've got an idea for this story about a guy who comes to a club and high-tails it when he finds out this girl is pay. Any interest in a story like that! Holden smiles. EXT. RIVERFRONT PARK - DAY Alyssa and Holden walk through the park, eating hot dogs. ALYSSA M-TV? HOLDEN Twelve episodes. ALYSSA That's great, isn't it? HOLDEN Banky seems to think so. ALYSSA But you don't. They come to a swing set and sit down on the swings. HOLDEN I don't know if that's the perception I want people to have of our stuff. I know this sounds pretentious as hell, but I like to think of us as artists. And I'd like to get back to doing something more personal - like our first book. ALYSSA Well when are you going to do that? HOLDEN (beat) As soon as we have something personal to say. ALYSSA Do you know how pretty you are? HOLDEN What? ALYSSA You're a pretty man. HOLDEN Uh... thanks. ALYSSA Oh. I get it. I'm into girls, so I have to find all men repulsive or something. HOLDEN I didn't say anything. ALYSSA Aren't there some men that you find attractive? Granted, not enough to sleep with, but still - just handsome or something! HOLDEN Sure. Harrison Ford. And our mail- man. ALYSSA Well it's the same thing. I look at you and just find you really handsome. And you know, it has very little to do with your look, per-se. Your look is fine, don't get me wrong. But it's more your outlook. The things you say, the way you see things. It's... I don't know... attractive, Holden looks away, embarrassed, ALYSSA I weirded you our the other night HOLDEN Huh! No, not really. ALYSSA Come on. HOLDEN (beat) It's just that we've.., I mean, I've never seen that kind of thing up close and personal. It just took awhile to process, longer than usual. ALYSSA Do you want to talk about it! HOLDEN Um. If you want to. ALYSSA I like you. I haven't liked a man in a long time. And I'm not a man-hater or something. It's just been some time since I've been exposed to a man that didn't immediately live-into a stereotype of some sort. And I want you to feel comfortable with me, because I want us to be friends. So if there are things you'd like to know, it's okay to ask me. HOLDEN (beat) Why girls? ALYSSA (beat) Why men? HOLDEN Because that's the standard ALYSSA If that's the only reason you're attracted to women - because it's the standard.. HOLDEN It's more than that. ALYSSA So you've never been curious about men? HOLDEN Curious about men? Well... I always wondered why my father watched 'Hee- Haw'. ALYSSA You know what I mean. HOLDEN No. ALYSSA Why not! HOLDEN No interest. ALYSSA Because...? HOLDEN Girls feel right. ALYSSA And that's how I feel. I've never really been attracted to men. I'm more comfortable with the idea of girls. HOLDEN Wait, wait, wait - you're still a virgin? ALYSSA No. HOLDEN But you've only been with girls. ALYSSA You're saying a person's a virgin until they've had intercourse with a member of the opposite sex? HOLDEN Isn't that the standard definition? ALYSSA Again with the standards. I think virginity is lost when you make love for the first time. HOLDEN With a member of the opposite sex. ALYSSA Why? Why only then? HOLDEN Because that's the standard. ALYSSA So if a virgin is raped, then she's still a virgin? HOLDEN Of course not. ALYSSA But rape is not the standard. So she's had sex, but not the standard idea of sex. Hence, according to your definition, she'd still be a virgin. HOLDEN Okay, I'll revise. Virginity is lost when the hymen is broken. ALYSSA Then I lost my virginity at ten, because I fell on a fence post when I was ten, and it broke my hymen. Now I have to tell people that I lost it to a wooden post I'd known my whole young life? HOLDEN Second revision - virginity is lost through penetration. ALYSSA Physical penetration or emotional? HOLDEN Emotional? ALYSSA Well, I fell in love hard with Caitlin Bree when we were in high school. HOLDEN Physical penetration. ALYSSA We had sex. HOLDEN Yeah, but not real sex. ALYSSA I move to have that remark stricken from the record. On account of it makes you come off as completely naive and infantile. HOLDEN Well where's the penetration in lesbian sex. Alyssa holds up her hand. HOLDEN A finger? Come on. I've had my finger in my ass but I wouldn't say I've had anal sex. ALYSSA Did I hold up a finger? (waves her hand) HOLDEN (beat; then he gets it) You're kidding?!?! (she nods) How...?!? ALYSSA Our bodies are built to pass a child, for Christ's sake. HOLDEN But doesn't it hurt?! ALYSSA Sure. But in a good way. And it's only a once-in-awhile thing - reserved for really special occasions. HOLDEN What about not-so-special occasions? ALYSSA Tongue only. HOLDEN But how can that be enough? I mean, let's be real - how big can a tongue even get? Alyssa swallows what she's chewing and releases her tongue, which is just huge. Holden is transfixed. Alyssa wraps it back up and smiles, standing. ALYSSA Let's go. She exits. Holden remains in the swing. Alyssa comes back in. ALYSSA Come on. HOLDEN Just...uh... just give me a moment. INT AIRPORT - DAY Holden enters. Banky tries to balance way-too-much luggage. HOLDEN Look at you. It's a two day trip. BANKY I got the Sega in one bag, my clothes in the other, and two months worth of unread comics in this one. HOLDEN We're going to a convention, for the love of God. We'll be busy from ten 'till eight each day. When are you possibly going to have time for any of that shit? In fact, fuck it - you're leaving some of this shit here in a locker. Come on - give me the two that aren't clothes. BANKY Hold on. (starts rifling through one bag) HOLDEN What are you doing? BANKY I just have to get something. (pulls out a huge stack of porno books) HOLDEN Who are you, Larry fucking Flynt? What are you going to do with all of those? BANKY Read the articles. What do you think I'm going to do with them? They're stroke books. HOLDEN You've got like thirty books there! We're only there for two days! BANKY (leafing through mags) Variety's the spice of life. I like a wide selection. Sometimes I'm in the mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes I like them arty and air-brushed. Some times it's a spread brown-eye kind of night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl time. Sometimes a steamy letter will do it, sometimes - not often, but sometimes - I like the idea of a chick with a horse. A beeping sound is heard. Holden checks his beeper. HOLDEN Go check us in. I've gotta call Alyssa. BANKY His master's voice. HOLDEN Put that stuff away. Holden exits. Banky starts packing his mags up. A little KID enters, staring at him. KID What are those? BANKY (looks at kid then books) Do you Like horsies? Holden finishes dialing the phone. Cross cut between him and Alyssa at home. ALYSSA I hope for the sake of the women you've dated that you're only this quick in returning calls. HOLDEN What's up? I'm about to get on a plane. ALYSSA Ohhh. Why! HOLDEN Last minute invite to the Dragon Con'. ALYSSA Shit. HOLDEN What? ALYSSA My sister's at my parents'. I was gonna go see her. HOLDEN The one that wrote the book? ALYSSA Yeah. But I was staying all weekend, and I wanted to hang our with you. This sucks. HOLDEN You didn't get invited to the Con'? ALYSSA I don't do southern con's - all the chicks have that annoying drawl. You know how hard it is nor to laugh when someone moans "Fuhhk me"? HOLDEN Well this sucks. (thinks) You know - both of us don't have to go. ALYSSA Really? HOLDEN Yeah. Banky can go by himself. It's not like we're on a panel. It was just a signing appearance. ALYSSA If you come pick me up, I'll be your best friend. HOLDEN (beat) Where's your apartment? ALYSSA I'm not there. I'm at a friend's - in the Village. Corner of Houston and Mercer. Number eighty six, apartment 6-D. HOLDEN I'll be there in half an hour. ALYSSA You're so easy. They hang up. Holden reacts to something OC and exits quickly. C11. Banky points to pictures in the book. The kid looks on. BANKY ...And then Black Beauty couldn't take it any longer, and he finally did some of his own mounting. KID (off book) Wow. Holden grabs Banky's arm and drags him away. HOLDEN What are you doing? BANKY (waving to kid) I think I want kids of my own one day. They're fun. HOLDEN Listen to me - I'm not going. You're going to have to do this one by yourself. BANKY What? Why? HOLDEN Alyssa's coming down for the weekend, so I want to hang out with her. You don't need me for this. (taking his excess baggage) Meantime, I'll take this stuff home. You can keep the filth. I'll pick you up at nine Sunday night, alright? Don't forget to plug the Annual and don't mention the t.v. show, okay? Call me if you get bored. And he's gone. Banky stands there, open-mouthed. A check-in FLIGHT ATTENDANT comes up to him. His name-tag reads 'Frank'. FLIGHT ATTENDANT Checking in, sir! BANKY (still watching Holden go) Hunhh! (looks at F.A.) Yeah. But this is carry-on. F.A. Federal aviation security law requires me to ask if you've been given any strange gifts or parcels to carry-on since arriving at the airport today. BANKY (thinks) Not this trip. But one time, when I was using curb side check-in, this sky- cap gave me a cock ring and a set of anal ben-wa balls. I always thought that was pretty strange. He said his name was Frank. (looks closely at him) Hey! You're name's Frank! Banky storms away. The Flight Attendant watches him go. F.A. Fucking kids. EXT APARTMENT 6-D - DAY Holden knocks at the door. It opens. A WOMAN is standing in the doorway in her bra She looks Holden up and down and smirks. WOMAN Let me guess - 'the right man'? HOLDEN Excuse me? WOMAN You've got it in your head that Alyssa's not really into chicks - that she just hasn't met the right man. And you believe you're it. You're going to treat her right, fuck her like a stud, and 'straight-jacket' her back from the land of the lost. And the sad truth is that you'll accomplish none of that and wind up as either an even more bitter misogynist or a reverse fag-hag. Holden's at a loss. Alyssa slips past the Woman, carrying an overnight bag. ALYSSA Don't mind her. That's just her way a saying hello. WOMAN Actually, it's just my way of saying "Give it up." ALYSSA (to Woman) You're such an asshole. WOMAN When you file the date-rape charges, don't say I didn't warn you. HOLDEN (holding out hand) I'm Holden, by the way. WOMAN I'm the voice of reason that Miss Bitch is having such a hard time listening to. HOLDEN Look, we're just friends. WOMAN That's what every guy says before he tries purring your hand on his dick. HOLDEN And how do you know men so well? WOMAN Because I lapdance for a living, dick- head. She slams the door. Holden looks to Alyssa. ALYSSA Ohhh - you look so cute! She heads down the stairs. HOLDEN Who was that? ALYSSA Just an occasional friend. HOLDEN Why would you want to hang our with someone bitter as that? ALYSSA (stops) Remember this! (sticks out huge tongue) Her's is even bigger than that. She smiles and continues on. Holden looks back up at the door. He sticks his own tongue our and sizes it with his fingers. EXT TURNPIKE - DAY The car sits in traffic. INT CAR - DAY Holden sighs. Alyssa plays with the radio. ALYSSA You were raised Catholic, right? HOLDEN Yeah. You? ALYSSA Baptist. HOLDEN Really? Did you have a strict upbringing? ALYSSA Please. There was no time to be bad - we were too busy saying 'Jesus'. HOLDEN You think your upbringing had something to do with your lifestyle choice? ALYSSA Somewhere along the line. It's a gradual transition to make - from doing what the majority does to taking a leap of faith and doing what feels more natural. Everything helps - from the way you were handled as a kid, to the way the boys acted in third grade, to the shoes you wore at your freshman prom. HOLDEN Shoes? ALYSSA Well they were really tight. HANGING OUT MONTAGE BEGINS With the requisite music, over which we hear a conversation between Holden and Alyssa. 1) Holden and Alyssa sit in the DINER eating. Holden's talking. The Waitress walks past and drops her pad. She bends over, to pick it up, hiking her mini-skirt up in the process. Alyssa stares at her ass. Holden stops talking and stares at her. Alyssa looks over at him and offers a caught smile. 2) Holden pushes a shopping cart at the FOOD STORE, throwing various things into the basket. Alyssa comes up with a box of Tampons and throws them in. Holden glances at them, a bit flushed. Alyssa catches him, picks up the box, and pulls one out. She proceeds to demonstrate their usage, throwing one leg on the can and miming insertion. Holden puts up his hands in the "I know, I know," fashion. 3) In the Studio, Holden displays some of his artwork to Alyssa, during which she pulls out a cigarette and goes to light it. It's a child-proof lighter, so she's having trouble. Holden grows a little frustrated. Finally, he grabs the lighter and pulls the child proof tab out with his teeth. Alyssa stares at him a bit taken aback. Holden spits the tab out, and lights Alyssa's smoke. He then continues with his display. 4) Holden and Alyssa at the COMIC BOOK STORE. Steve-Dave and the Fan-Boy eye them suspiciously. Alyssa pays for a comic. Steve-Dave glowers at Holden. He gives Alyssa her change and they exit. Steve-Dave goes back to his card game with the Fan-Boy. Suddenly, a garbage can comes crashing through their window. Steve-Dave rips a check off the garbage can and punches the counter. The Fan-Boy rubs his back soothingly, 5) Holden and Alyssa walk through a PARKING LOT, talking. She takes his hand and pulls his arm around her shoulder. Holden smiles to himself. HOLDEN V.O. Let me ask you something - we get along, right? ALYSSA V.O. Famously. HOLDEN V.O. We have a definite chemistry? ALYSSA V.O. So it would seem. HOLDEN V.O. But we're both into girls. ALYSSA V.O. I'm into women. HOLDEN V.O. But you weren't always gay. ALYSSA V.O. When I was nine I had a crush on Scott Baio. HOLDEN V.O. So If we'd met a long time ago, say in high school... ALYSSA V.O. ...I'd still be muff-diving, yes. HOLDEN V.O. Thought so. INT STUDIO - DAY Holden and Banky play EA Sports Hockey on Sega. There's a knock at the door. HOLDEN Come in. Alyssa enters and stands besides them, smiling at their game. ALYSSA I read somewhere that guys who play hockey are merely making up for penile deficiencies by carrying big sticks. BANKY I thought you lived in the city? This is like the umpteenth time I've seen you here. Isn't that grounds enough for the little pink mafia to throw you out of their club? HOLDEN (hits Banky; to Alyssa) I'll be ready in a second. I just have to school this mouthy second-stringer. BANKY Bitch, you're schooling no one. They play. Cut back and forth between the game and Banky, Holden, and Alyssa. HOLDEN (off game) What? Do something! BANKY (off game) You fucking cock-teaser. I'll knock your fucking teeth out and pass all over your ass. HOLDEN Look at how slow you are. Christ, you move like a geriatric. BANKY (screaming at screen) Fuck! You Fucking cock-sucker, man! These faggots won't do what I tell them to! HOLDEN Oh. It's the controller, right? It's always the controller. BANKY No, it's these... fucking queers on blades that can't accept a fucking pass to save their lives! What period is this? HOLDEN Final sixty of the third. BANKY Fuck! Look at your fucking guys, they... FUCK!!! (whips controller) FUCKING COCK SUCKER, MAN! I SWEAR TO GOD! Banky storms away. Alyssa looks at Holden, HOLDEN Imagine if I'd only beaten him by one instead of thirty. INT SKEE-BALL ARCADE - DAY Holden feeds a couple dollars into the change machine. Alyssa looks on. ALYSSA Explain this again. HOLDEN How could you have grown up down the shore and never played skee-ball? What did you do with your youth? They head toward the skee-ball runs. ALYSSA Stayed out late, smoked pot, screwed around. HOLDEN Not your grade school years; your high school years. ALYSSA (off skee-ball run) This looks complicated. HOLDEN (Inserts coin and pulls lever) The premise is very basic - you roll the ball up the ramp at varying speeds, in an effort to pop it into the score circles. The higher the score, the more prize tickets you get. ALYSSA What do you do with the prize tickets? HOLDEN Trade them in for prizes that aren't worth nearly as much as you paid to play the game. ALYSSA Then what's the point? HOLDEN It's fun. ALYSSA And you question my lifestyle. HOLDEN Observe. Holden rolls the ball. It pops into a twenty point circle. HOLDEN See? It's just that simple. ALYSSA Why not just walk up there and put it in the fifty every time? HOLDEN Where's the skill in that? ALYSSA Oh, this is a skill? I'm sorry, I had no idea. HOLDEN Just toss one. Alyssa picks up a ball, squints to aim, and whips it overhand. It pops off one of the circles and shoots back at them, missing them as they duck. An OC knock and an "OW!" is heard. Holden reacts as Alyssa laughs. HOLDEN (to OC guy) I'm sorry, man. She's new at this. Holden ducks as the ball comes sailing back at his head. He gets up. HOLDEN (to OC) Thank you. (hands Alyssa another ball) Underhand. Throw it underhand. ALYSSA This is where you take straight chicks on dates? HOLDEN It's like Spanish Fly. This'll probably be the first time I don't score afterwards. ALYSSA I don't know. I'm starting to get a tingle in my bottom. (tosses a ball) Ten. HOLDEN (grabs a ball) So what'd you do last night? (prepares to throw) ALYSSA Got laid Holden whips the ball in surprise. It ricochets off the ceiling and through the glass of an old pinball machine. Alyssa laughs. Holden looks around, nervously. ALYSSA Some more of that skill you were telling me about? HOLDEN Maybe we should just leave before somebody gets hurt. ALYSSA No way. I want a cheap prize. (throws a ball) So your friend's quite the homophobe. HOLDEN He just feels left out, I think. ALYSSA I'm not talking about his infantile hang-up with me. I'm talking about when you two were playing that game. Everytime he swore - when his players messed up, he called them cocksuckers, he referred to the players as queers, he called you a cock-teaser... HOLDEN I thought he was talking to you. ALYSSA I know you think it means nothing, and it may in fact be unintentional, but it's ugly all the same. HOLDEN He was just pissed he was losing. ALYSSA So he slams the gay community? HOLDEN C'mon. Don't get all p.c. on me. ALYSSA I'm not. But what is that saying? HOLDEN It says he gets too easily frustrated. ALYSSA It's passive/agressive gay-bashing. HOLDEN How do you figure? ALYSSA How casually did it roll off his tongue? And that's how he expresses his anger? By calling people faggots? HOLDEN I think you're reading too much into it. ALYSSA I think you're just so used to it that it rolls off your back. I've heard the two of you play your little rank out game where one insists the other is gay. (as the boys) "You're a faggot. No, you're a faggot." It's cute and all to watch you go at it like grade-schooler, but it's also offensive - labeling and ducking the label of being gay as if it were the scarlet fucking letter. HOLDEN You're blowing this way out of proportion. We live in a more tolerant age now. You refer to yourself as a dyke. Hooper calls himself a faggot all the time... ALYSSA Yeah, but that's what's known as empowerment/disempowerment. I call myself a dyke so it's not too devastating when some throwback screams it at me as I'm leaving a bar at night. Same for Hooper - by calling himself a faggot, he steals the thunder away from the mouthy jerks of this world who'd like to beat him to it. But the difference between us having it and your friend saying it is miles wide. We say it to mask the pain - you say it for lack of a better expression at any given moment. No Holden, we do not live in a more tolerant age. And if you think that's the case, then you've been in the suburbs way too long to be resuscitated. Holden kind of sulks. Alyssa notices. ALYSSA But you know what? (picks up his face) I have more faith in you than that. (rips her tickets off) Come on - I want my cheap prize. INT STUDIO - NIGHT Holden enters. Banky's still playing Sega. Holden sits next to him. HOLDEN (off screen) How bad do you suck! BANKY How was your pseudo-date? HOLDEN Leave it alone. BANKY That chick bugs me. HOLDEN (rubs his head; in baby-talk) Aww. Everyone bugs you. BANKY Get off. (off game) Fucking faggot! Did you see that?! Your dyke courting ass just got me scored on! HOLDEN (beat) You know, you should watch that. If you're going to get all bent out of shape while playing the game, so much so that you need to curse the t.v., try not to gay-bash it, alright. You're nor that kind of guy. (gets up) And don't call her a dyke, alright? She's a lesbian. Holden goes to his drawing table and takes off his coat. Banky sits there, shocked. He puts the controller down and crosses to the drawing table. BANKY What the fuck is going on here? HOLDEN (pulling out pencil) I'm starting a new page. BANKY (smacking pencil away) Not with this shit! With you. What the fuck is going on with you and that girl? HOLDEN We're friends. BANKY She's programming you. HOLDEN I beg your pardon? Programming? BANKY Yeah. And apparently, you don't even realize it. What does it matter if I refer to her as a dyke, or if I call the Whalers a bunch of faggots in the privacy of my own office, far from the sensitive ears of the rest of the world? HOLDEN It's passive/aggressive gay-bashing; and I know you're not really prejudiced at heart. You should just find some other way to express your anger, is all I'm saying. Holden starts drawing. Banky stares at him. Then he grabs the pencil out of Holden's hand and shoves him to the side. He starts drawing something. HOLDEN What the fuck are you doing! BANKY Bear with me here. I just want to put you through this little exercise. (drawing feverishly) Okay, now see this? This is a four way road, okay? Banky draws a four-way stop. He illustrates according to his voice-over. BANKY V.O. And dead in the center, is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now at the end of each of the streets, are four people, okay? You following? Up here, we got a male-affectionate, easy- to-get-along-with, no political agenda lesbian. Okay? Now down here, we have a man-hating, angry-as-fuck, agenda-of-rage, bitter dyke. To this side, we got Santa Claus, right? And over to this side - the Easter Bunny. Banky finishes drawing. Holden's shaking his head BANKY Which one's going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? HOLDEN What is this supposed to prove? BANKY I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an S.A.T. question. Which one's going to get to the hundred dollar bill first - the male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny? HOLDEN (beat; then pissed) The man-hating dyke. BANKY Good. Why? HOLDEN I don't know. BANKY (wildly crossing out the other three) BECAUSE THESE OTHER THREE ARE FIGMENTS OF YOUR FUCKING IMAGINATION! Holden storms away. Banky follows. HOLDEN I don't need this. I'm going home. BANKY She's fucking with your mind, man! She knows you've got this schoolboy crush and she's using it to sway your way of thinking! HOLDEN And why would she need to do that? What is she Mata fucking Hari?! What does she gain? BANKY Maybe she thinks you'll get her comic picked up by Contender. Or maybe she thinks you'll change the content of our book to something more political and message oriented. Or, gee - I don't know - maybe because that's just what dykes like to do: fuck around with straight guys' heads, just so she can go back to her little rug-muncher club and have a good laugh with all her man-hating harpy cronies about how fucking stupid and easily duped men are! HOLDEN You're so out of line right now.., BANKY You don't even know this girl! Big deal, she's from Middletown and she went to North! All the girls at North were bitches and sluts anyway! And this one's got them beat by a mile because she's a bitch/slut/dyke! HOLDEN Watch your fucking mouth, is all I'm going to tell you.. BANKY Oh why? Do you get my back when she bashes me? Because I know she does. And do you know why she does? Because I won't play her fucking game! HOLDEN Sometimes your paranoia and suspicious bullshit is amusing. Sometimes it's just fucking annoying as piss! BANKY What is it about this girl? You know you have no shot at getting her into bed! Why do you bother wasting time with her? Because you're Holden fucking McNeil - most persistent traveller on the road that's not the path of least resistance! Everything's gotta be a fucking challenge for you, and this little relationship with that bitch is a prime example of your fucking condition. Well I don't need a fucking magic eight ball to look into your future; you want a forecast? Here - will Holden ever fuck Alyssa. (shakes and looks at imaginary ball) What a shock - "Not fucking likely"! This relationship of your's is affecting you, our work and our friendship, and the time's going to come when I throw down the gauntlet and say it's me or her! And then what're you going to say?! HOLDEN (beat) I think you should let this one go. BANKY No, what would you say? Would you trash twenty years of friendship because you've got some idiotic notion that this chick would even let you sniff her panties, let alone fuck her?! HOLDEN Let it go... BANKY What the fuck.. WHAT THE FUCK MAKES THIS BITCH ALL THAT IMPORTANT?!?! Holden looks at Banky for a long beat. HOLDEN I'm in love with her, man. Banky stares at him. Holden stares back. Banky looks into Holden's eyes. Suddenly, he softens a bit. He drops his head. BANKY Fuck. Banky walks away. Holden watches him go and exits. INT DINER - NIGHT Holden and Alyssa sit at a booth. Alyssa picks through her food. Holden looks at the check and pulls money from his wallet. HOLDEN I wish you were the one being pursued by M-TV. ALYSSA Oh really? HOLDEN Sure. Then you could sell our and maybe pick up the check once in awhile. ALYSSA (drops her fork and wipes her hands) We're leaving! HOLDEN Well it's not like this is a bed and breakfast, ALYSSA I've got a little business to conduct. She grabs her bag and slides out of the booth. Holden watches her, then follows. A23. Alyssa slides up to the cashier's desk as does Holden, who offers a puzzled shrug. Alyssa offers the 'just wait' finger. The CASHIER turns to her. ALYSSA Are you an authorized deal-maker in this establishment? Do you have the power to negotiate. CASHIER You wanna haggle over the price of your French Dip? ALYSSA I want to haggle over the price of fine art. CASHIER What do you mean? ALYSSA (pointing OC) There. By the kitchen. That painting. CASHIER What about it? ALYSSA The price tag says seventy five. CASHIER So! HOLDEN (to Alyssa) Tell me you're kidding! ALYSSA I'll give you fifty. CASHIER (to OC) Manuel! Bring, me the Dyksiezski off the wall. (to Alyssa) All my years in the diner business, I've waited for this day - the day when someone wanted to buy one of the pictures. ALYSSA (holds out hand) Alyssa Jones. Pleased to meet you. CASHIER You say you want to haggle, but you don't know rule one about haggling, which you just broke: you never give your name. The name is power, and to give the opponent that piece of you is to give away victory. ALYSSA I'm only trying to conduct a transaction. We're not opponents. CASHIER (accepting painting from BUSBOY) Oh, but we are - if you think I'm letting this beautiful piece go for fifty. ALYSSA Ah-ha! (to Holden) Now we're haggling. 24. INT CAR - NIGHT 24. It's drizzling outside. Holden drives. Alyssa hugs her painting and pushes her bare feet against the windshield, making footprints. HOLDEN I've always wondered what kind of people buy those things. I can't believe you talked him down to twenty five! ALYSSA It was looking shakey when he told me the artist was a blind cripple with a hump-back, but I held my ground. There's no room for sympathy in the buyer's market. HOLDEN Where are you going to hang it? ALYSSA I'm no