Caroline in the City

Episode # 106
Written by Fred Barron and Marco Pennette
Directed by James Burrows

Cast of 'Caroline In The City'

Lea Thompson as Caroline Duffy (CARO)
Eric Lutes as Del Cassidy (DEL)
Malcolm Gets as Richard Karinsky (RICH)
Amy Pietz as Annie (ANNE)
Andy Lauer as Charlie (CHAR)

Guest Stars (In order of appearance)

Matthew Perry as Chandler Bing (CHAN) (Guest-starring in his role from 'Friends')
Jeff Garvin as Scott (Video store guy) (SCOTT)
Tommy LaGrua as Remo (REMO)
John Mariano as Johnny (Maitre D') (JOHN)
Constance Towers as Barbara (BARB)
Lou Felder as Don (DON)
Elisa Heinsohn as Stephanie (STEP)
Jonathan Silverman as Jonathan Eliot (ELIT) (Guest-starring in his role from 'The Single Guy')

[Scene #1: Caroline's Apartment. Del and Caroline are there.]

DEL: (on phone) Ah, yeah, okay, just tell her I'll call her when I get to the office.

CARO: Call who? (blowing up balloon)

DEL: Ah, my mother. It seems her and my dad are coming into town tonight and they want us to meet them for dinner. (Caroline lets go of the balloon)

CARO: Oh, dinner. Well, I already had dinner.

DEL: That was last night. Try again.

CARO: Okay, I was going to clean the oven.

DEL: It's self cleaning.

CARO: Well, I was going to keep a company.

DEL: Caroline, you've canceled four times. My mother thinks my imaginary friend is back. C'mon Caroline, she's not that bad.

CARO: Del, this is the woman that tried to fix you up with someone else on your wedding day.

DEL: Mom just realized that first marriage was a mistake before I did.

CARO: She ran over your second wife.

DEL: Ellen was wearing gray, it was dark.

CARO: Del, you have to admit, she's very intimidating.

DEL: I know. But, hey, I'll be right there by you side. And look at it this way, if you survive, you may get a great comic strip out of it.

CARO: Aha! So you admit it. There may be chance I might not survive. Oh, wait, wait (whisper puts hat on, enter Richard) Happy birthday to you... (exit Richard) Richard, you can come back. I promise not to sing.

RICH: (Enter Richard) That was singing? I thought somebody was gelding a small animal.

CARO: He's thirty. He's not getting older, he's just getting bitter.

RICH: How did you find out it was my birthday?

CARO: It was on your job application.

RICH: And I thought that little piece of paper had already done its damage.

DEL: Thirty, huh, Richard? Oh man, I remember my thirtieth. A bunch of us went to Vegas. We got this suite. This buddy of mine got these two women with these huge...I guess I should stop this story right now! I gotta get out of here. So look, I'll see you tonight at eight.

CARO: Oh, darn, Del. I almost forgot. I have plans to take Richard out for a birthday drink.

RICH: No you don't.

CARO: They're suprise plans.

RICH: Well, suprise. I can't go. I have a big party.

DEL: You're out of excuses.

CARO: Okay, fine, I'll go. I'll meet your mother, she'll love me. DEL: (kiss) You are the best. And, hey! It might even be fun. So fun's a bit much, but it doesn't have to be the worst time of your life.

CARO: Isn't that the slogan for EuroDisney?

DEL: Ha, Ha. I'll see you at eight. (exit Del)

CARO: Okay, Richard, let's get to work. I'm sorry, are those balloons in your way? (pops with pencil)

RICH: Not any more.

CARO: You know, I'm gonna let that go. Because you're the birthday boy. Now. I couldn't decide whether to buy you something like a sweater, or get you a check. (picks up gift) But I decided checks are just so impersonal so happy birthday, Richard. (opens paper)

RICH: Great, just what I needed. Every year, another (pulls out check) A check?

CARO: I decided impersonal was more you.(nods head)

[Scene #2: Caroline's Apartment. Later that evening. Salty eating Richard's sandwich, Richard catches her]

RICH: Hey! hey! hey! Hey! That's my sandwich. Oh great! It's dead to me now. Hey! Hey! You want the rest? (throws sandwich out the window) Fly. Be free. (enter Annie)

ANNE: Hey! What? Caroline's not here?

RICH: No. So if you have an urge to share your boring personal life, I suggest you call talk radio.

ANNE: Oh, Richard, it's your birthday?

RICH: Oh. No no no. It's Richard Gere's birthday. Hey, you know what, stick around, we're going to have some cake and make fun of Cindy Crawford.

ANNE: Very cranky. I'm guessing thirty?

RICH: That's it. Thirty.

ANNE: Ooh, the big three-O. So how's it feel?

RICH: You know, actually it's a relief. You know there's no point to your twenties. Nobody takes you seriously. I mean, if you're not a big drinker, It's just a waste a decade.

ANNE: I'll drink to that. So, where is Caroline anyway?

RICH: I don't know. She finished her strip, and she left muttering something about buying a dress, throwing herself in front of a bus. Yadda yadda yadda.

ANNE: So, she's pretty nervous about meeting Del's mom, huh?

RICH: (picks up cardboard) You tell me. (shows Annie cartoon.)

ANNE: (reading cartoon) It's so good to have Del's girlfriend for dinner. Ooh! She is nervous. (enter Caroline)

CARO: Hey, Richard. If you didn't like the birthday lunch I made you, you could just say no.

ANNE: So, show the dress. Show the dress.

CARO: I went to eight different stores, and there it was. Back at the first one. Okay, so (pause) what do you think? (takes dress out of bag and displays it on front) Tell the truth. Tell the truth.

ANNE: Ooh. Very meet the mom.

RICH: Yeah, yeah. Though you may want to check and see if you have a necklace that goes with that security tag.

CARO: Oh, no.

ANNE: Hang on. (exit Annie)

RICH: You know, you make a decent living. You don't have to shop lift.

CARO: Stop, Richard, I paid for it. They just forgot to take it off. This is an omen. I do not want to meet this woman. What am I going to do?

RICH: Here. Here. Here's a razor blade. Will that help? (Caroline puts out wrists)

CARO: Yes.

RICH: I don't know why you're so worried about meeting Del's mother. I mean he's the first born, he's the only male, and he's paying alimony to two ex-wives. She's going to hate you regardless.

CARO: (enter Annie with gun) You know, in a weird way that sort of takes the pressure off. (Annie removes tag) Annie do I want to know...

ANNE: Nooope. Here you go. Thank you for coming. Please have a nice day.

CARO: You know, Richard it's ten to five. Why don't you go home? It's your birthday.

ANNE: You got plans tonight?

CARO: He's got a big party.

ANNE: He's got a party?

CARO: Yeah. I'm as suprised as you are. (folding up dress, put in bag)

RICH: Excuse me. What do you people think I do on my birthday?

CARO: I don't know. I just assumed you curled up with a handful of dirt from your homeland and waited 'til dawn.

RICH: Nope. That's New Years.

CARO: Hey, Richard have a good night.

ANNE: So big party, (Richard puts on coat) huh, huh?

RICH: Yep.

ANNE: What is it? Like a bunch of people sitting around, dressed in black, talking about which anti-depressant works best. Or in your case--doesn't.

RICH: You know, Annie. Look I'm, you know, sorry if my idea of a party isn't with tequila shooters and with thumbing through somebody's wallet the next morning trying to figure out their name.

ANNE: Lighten up, Richie. I'm just trying to have a little fun with you. You go out there, tonight an have the best birthday of you life, huh?

RICH: Alright, thank you, I will. (exit Richard, tag on back)

CARO: Annie.

ANNE: Well, now we just have to figure out a way to get him to walk into Bloomingdale's.

[Scene 3: The Subway. Del is standing, when Charlie comes in.]

CHAR: Del! Del! Del! I finally found you! I had to run twelve blocks and push my way through eight cars.

DEL: Charlie, what's wrong? Is there a problem at the office?

CHAR: Yeah. My talents aren't being recognized!

DEL: Oh, Charlie. Now is not the time.

CHAR: Look, look. I've got these really good greeting card ideas I want you to listen to.

DEL: Charlie, can't this wait 'til tomorrow?

CHAR: No, no, no. I've got to get these ideas out now, so I can make room for the new ones. Birthday cards for pets, because, you know they are born and stuff. Alright. Happy birthday, little pooch you're such a little mutt. But please don't give my face a smooch, because you lick your butt.

[Scene 4: A video store. Chandler and Annie are looking at videos. Chandler eyes Annie, goes to shelf to try to impress her.]

CHAN: The Piano. (picks up the video) This is my lucky day. They never have this in.

ANNE: You like that movie?

CHAN: Oh I love it! Oh, yes. Oh, no I know what you're thinking, most guys are in to that shoot 'em up, T&A, gratuitous nudity and filth, but, uh, I find that kind of degrading. To, ah, well, to the human spirit.

ANNE: Really?

CHAN: Oh, yes. Give me Holly Hunter's silent emotional struggles any day. So, ah, what are you renting? (Hands Chandler video) Sorority House Massacre 2. So I could have pretty much just been myself.

ANNE: So be yourself.

CHAN: Okay. (gets nervous; exit Chandler)

ANNE: (spies on Richard) Well, well, well. If it isn't Vincent Van Dull.

RICH: Annie, well what are you doing here?

ANNE: I'm gonna get a hip replaced. What do you think I'm doing here? I thought you had a big party tonight.

RICH: Ah, I do. Yeah. Every year, on my birthday, my friends come over and we watch a movie. (Annie takes video)

ANNE: The Passion of Anna. Ooh, porn?

RICH: Hardly. Come on it's Bergman's masterpiece. It's it's about this crippled woman who struggles to find meaning in her life after the death of her children, but fails.

ANNE: Well, happy birthday to you.

CHECK: (To a man at the counter) Buns of Steel, Abs of Steel, Quads of Steel . What do you do? Like watch these and eat bacon? (the man leaves) (to Richard)Oh, hey, look at that! It's your birthday today.

RICH: Yeah. Yeah. I almost forgot.

SCOTT: Ouch. Thirty.

RICH: Look, if you don't mind, I'm kinda' in a hurry.

SCOTT: So do you like remember Eight Tracks?

RICH: Why don't you just put that in a bag so I can....

SCOTT: Hey! Hey! Hey! On your birthday, you rent one, you get one free.

ANNE: And this is the free one. (Places her video on the counter)

RICH: A phrase I'm sure she said countless times before.

ANNE: (Annie opens and door goes in) The Passion of Anna , oh, yuck! (exit Annie down hall)

[Scene 6: Remo's.]

CARO: (enter Caroline) Hey, Remo.

REMO: Bona cera, Carolina. Oh how beautiful you look. Except for that big vein bulging on your forehead.

CARO: I'm gonna meet Del and his parents for dinner tonight. (cam flashes over to a table)

BARB: (to a woman at another table) Excuse me, but would it have killed you to hire a baby-sitter?

CARO: I see she's even more nurturing than Del described her.

REMO: I put them at the V.I.P. table.

CARO: The V.I.P. table?

JOHN: Very irritating pains in the butt.

REMO: (To Johnny) Who asked you?

JOHN: What? You're the boss. You're the one who gets to make a joke? Mavatese.

CARO: So is Del in the men's room?

REMO: Senior Del has not yet arrived.

CARO: No, no. Tell me you're kidding. Oh my God. I had a dream about this. Only in my dream, I was stark naked and Del's mother had this big lizard head and all these snakes for hair.

REMO: Well, at least you're not naked.

CARO: You know, I don't need this. What am I going to do, Remo?

REMO: Perhaps you'd like to hide in the kitchen until Senior Del arrives.

CARO: I'm an adult. If i can make small talk with my gynecologist during an exam, I can do this.

REMO: Let's toss this lobster into the pot and see if she screams. (Caroline and Remo walk over to the table)

BARB: (to a waiter) I said gin. If you can't read a bottle, I suggest you find somebody who can.

CARO: (turning around) Kitchen.

REMO: Okay.

[Scene 7: The Subway. Del and Charlie are still there.]

CHAR: (reading) Of all the pets I've ever had, you are the very best, carry this thought with you as you scurry to your nest.

DEL: Charlie, cockroaches are not pets.

CHAR: They are if you name 'em.

DEL: Charlie, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not having a good day. Okay? My parents are in town, the printers are on strike, and Caroline is freaked out, did I mention my parents are in town?

CHAR: Yeah. Boy it kinda' makes you wonder what else could go wrong, huh? (car stops) Wow, I hope I didn't do that with my mind.

[Scene 8: Richard's apartment.]

(Richard blow drying, Annie knocks, opens)

RICH: Who is it?

ANNE: It's Annie.

RICH: What do you want?

ANNE: We grabbed the wrong tapes at the store.

RICH: We did?

ANNE: Yeah.

RICH: Oh, great. Alright. Alright. Hold on. Hold on.

ANNE: Well, hurry up, there's a junkie passed out in the stairwell. (Opens door on chain, they switch tapes)

RICH: That's the super. Here.

ANNE: So, where's the party?

RICH: It got postponed.

ANNE: Why?

RICH: Because of the fire.

ANNE: Fire? What fire?

RICH: What difference does it make? It's out now.

ANNE: Ow! Richard, that's my cranium. Look the last thing I want to do is butt in.

RICH: Good. Good night.

ANNE: But listen. There's nothing to be ashamed of about being alone. We're in the same boat. To be honest with you, I had a date tonight , and I got stood up.

RICH: Really?

ANNE: Yeah.

RICH: Back up. Back up. (Annie comes in) As long as you're being honest, there really isn't a party.

ANNE: Well that's pathetic cause that was lying. And you'd think a date would dump me? RICH: You know, thanks so much for the birthday cheer, and now goodnight.

ANNE: You know, Richie, don't let a little bad birthday get you down. We all have bad birthdays. I remember when I turned fourteen. I'd just got breasts.....

RICH: Excuse me, but ah, did I say sit down?

ANNE: Excuse me, I'm in the middle of a story. Where was I?

RICH: As usual, your breasts.

ANNE: Right.

[Scene 9: The Kitchen at Remo's.]

CARO: (to Johnny who is putting strands of pasta into a pot) Wow. That must take you a long time.

JOHN: Carolina, that's the secret. When you deal with homemade angel hair, you gotta be very delicate. One strand of pasta in the water one at a time.

BARB: (enter Barbra) Excuse me....

JOHN: (dumps pasta) Okay, I'm outta here. (exit Johnny)

BARB: Hello! I've been trying to get a waiter out there for five minutes. I need club soda before this stain sets. Does anyone in here speak English. (to Caroline) You. Hostess, you've gotta speak English.

CARO: No Engles. No Engles.

BARB: Foreigners. I'll bet you'd understand the word 'tip'. (Caroline bumps into the door, dumps salad) (to Caroline) Idiot.

REMO: (entering) It's tossed!

[Scene 10: Richard's Apartment. Later.]

ANNE: Okay, it's my seventh birthday, and my mom hires this clown Beetle Bum to come to my party. He shows up drunk, he tries to feel up my cousin, my brother punches him out, he bleeds all over the cake and all my Aunt Camille can say is 'We'll just cut around that part.'

RICH: Well, wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. You think THAT was a bad birthday? Okay, okay, it's my twelfth birthday, my parents forget entirely.

ANNE: You used that for your eighth birthday.

RICH: Let's just say it was a theme. God I can't believe I actually missed those days.

ANNE: Why?

RICH: Because thirty was such a long way off.

ANNE: I don't get it. You told me you were okay about turning thirty.

RICH: I also told you I had a big party.

ANNE: Ummph.

RICH: It's just that I always had a goal that by the time I was thirty I was going to have one of my paintings on the wall of a museum.

ANNE: You know, Richard, you can't set your standards so high, and then beat yourself up. I mean, you don't see me crying because I'm not Mrs. Robby Benson.

RICH: Well, thanks for the company. But I think I better just get to bed and try to sleep off whatever's left of this miserable night.

ANNE: Richard it's your birthday. There's still one more thing we have to do.

RICH: I'm not that drunk.

ANNE: I'd have to be passed out. Just get your coat.

[Scene 11: The subway. Some time has elapsed.]

CHAR: (to a woman sitting next to him) How bout this, huh? We're stuck on the same subway car. I'm a man, you're a woman, I'm speaking English and you're reading a Czechoslovakian newspaper. Hmm. (Charlie starts to make move on her) (Woman hits Charlie on head; leaves) I guess she doesn't speak the international language of love.

DEL: Nice move, Charlie. Oh, man, eight fifteen, I can't believe this.

CHAR: I think you're a little slow. I've got eight twenty-two.

DEL: Caroline's gonna kill me. What am I gonna do?

CHAR: I'll bet you someone threw themselves under the train, zzaah!

DEL: Hey, what about a dozen roses?

CHAR: That's sweet, but I think I'd rather have a raise. You're gonna hit me now aren't you?

[Scene 12: Outside The Museum of Modern Art. Richard and Annie are there.]

RICH: (painting)The Museum of Modern Art, I can't believe we're doing this.

ANNE: Well, in the event a cop comes along, technically you're doing it. Unless he's cute then I'll handle it.

RICH: There. Done. What do you think?

ANNE: It's it's.....

RICH: Bold?

ANNE: Bold. Bold. Good. You did it, Richie, you got an original Karinsky on the wall of a museum by the time you're thirty.

RICH: Yeah, it'll probably just wash away by morning.

ANNE: The wine'll wear off, and we won't be friends anymore.

RICH: Behind every cloud....

ANNE: Happy birthday, tight-ass.

RICH: Thanks, a lot, tart. Hey, c'mon.

[Scene 13: Remo's. Later.]

BARB: Waiter...

REMO: You go over.

JOHN: You go over.

REMO: You go over.

JOHN: You go over.

REMO: You go over.

JOHN: You go over. Poopatusa (rock-paper-scissors)

REMO: Ha ha, you lose. (Johnny walks over)

JOHN: So how's everything?

BARB: Actually..

JOHN: So good to hear. (he leaves)

CARO: (from behind a wall) Psst.

REMO: He's not here. Maybe he's lying in an alley somewhere.

CARO: If he's lucky. I gotta go over there.

BARB: (pointing at Caroline) There she is. That clumsy salad girl from the kitchen. Don't look!

DON: Well, then why point her out?

(Caroline walks over to talk)

CARO: I can do this. Hi. Look, listen.

DON: Don't tell me. You've come to dust me with cracked pepper.

CARO: Non, no. I have to apologize for the way we met. Suprise, I speak English. Suprise number two, I'm Caroline Duffy. (Tries to sit down)

BARB: Don't even think of it.

CARO: Wow. Look, I am trying to apologize. But can you just accept it graciously. No, you just sit there and judge, judge, judge. Well, you may have sabotaged the first wife, and ran over the second wife, but you're not going to intimate me. And at the risk of ruining nay future relationship we might have, I have to tell you are a pretentious, arrogant, small minded, I can't say it....

JOHN: Bitch.

CARO: But he can! So if you ever want to see this smiling face around your Sunday dinner table, you just better change your attitude. (enter Del)

DEL: Caro, honey, I am so sorry.

CARO: I am sorry, because I cannot eat with these people.

DEL: That's okay. We're going to have dinner with my parents over there. (wave)

CARO: Well, I guess this gives the two of you a little something to talk about on the way home. Enjoy your dinner. (walks away, enter Johnny and Stephanie)

STEP: Johnny, this is going to be so much fun. My parents are going to love you.

ELIT: Oh. I haven't met parents yet that haven't loved me. (girlfriend goes to parents)

CARO: (to Jonathan Eliot) Girlfriend's parents?

ELIT: Ah, yeah. They look--piece of cake.

CARO: Can I give you a word of advice?

ELIT: Yeah. Yeah.

CARO: Run!

[Scene 14: Remo's later that evening.]

DEL: So, what'd you think of mom?

CARO: It went better than I thought. It was nice of her to give me the name of a good plastic surgeon.

ANNE: Do you think she's right? Do you think this is a melanoma?

RICH: I liked her story of the guy who turned thirty and dropped dead of an aneurysm.

REMO: But who can say how much cologne is too much cologne?

JOHN: That's what I've been trying to tell you that for years, but you never listen.

[END]

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