Caroline in the City

Caroline and the ATM Machine

Lea Thompson as "Caroline Duffy" [CARO]
Eric Lutes as "Del Cassidy" [DEL]
Malcom Gets as "Richard Karinsky" [RICH]
Amy Pietz as "Annie Spidarro" [ANNE]
Andy Lauer as "Charlie" [CHAR]

Lauren Graham as "Shelly" [SHEL]
as "Mrs. Banks" [BANK]
as "Mr. Green" [GREEN]
as "Mr. Fleming" [FLEM]

Introduction: Due to a slight mishap when videotaping, the first scene, and part of the second scene from this episode was cut off. I am trying to retape it. I do remember what happened. Caroline and Annie were at the ATM on 8th St. Annie went off to meet a guy while Caroline was waiting for her money. Caroline had a cold and picked her nose. Everything said in voice over is in italics. In scene 6, Richard is singing to piano music. This cannot be reproduced. Enjoy.

[Scene 2: Richard's apartment. Richard and Shelly are there. Shelly is cooking.]

SHEL: ...dinky, dink. What are you thinking?

RICH: [voice over] I've got to dump her before she makes me eat whatever's in that pan . Mmm. Sure smells good.

SHEL: Bonnie Belinda [the dog], let's go give Richard a big kiss!

RICH: God, it's Richard Karinsky . Please strike me dead . [dog kisses him] Mmmm.

SHEL: Now, give her a big kiss back.

RICH: God, if you miss me, go for the dog . [kisses the dog]

SHEL: Oh, Richard, I have had the greatest day of my whole life. I got my job back, and they found a compatible pig heart for my dad.

RICH: Ahh.

SHEL: Oh, and I forgot, they had all four Muppet movies at the video store.

RICH: Tell her before her dad rejects the heart .

SHEL: So, what are you thinking now?

RICH: Ah, Shelly.

SHEL: No, no, no wait. Ask me what I'm thinking.

RICH: Well....

SHEL: No, no, no. Wait, wait. I'll tell you.

RICH: Okay.

SHEL: No, no, no. I'll tell you. I think we have something really special here, and in the past I've been hurt a lot by men. I may set myself up for it, but usually they just want one thing from me.

RICH: Silence.

SHEL: But from the moment I first saw you, I knew you were different. So, Bonnie Belinda and I talked it over and we want to spend more time with you. I brought over my toothbrush and a spare dog brush.

RICH: Ah, you know Shelly. Ah, as great as that sounds, I'm just not so sure it's going to work.

SHEL: Why not?

RICH: Just be honest with her . You owe her that much. I'm allergic to your dog.

SHEL: You're allergic to Bonnie Belinda?

RICH: Yes, yes. Look, I know, I know. It's killing me too. But I just kept sneezing and sneezing and....achoo! I went to the doctor and it turns out it's Bonnie.

SHEL: Well aren't there shots or pills or something?

RICH: I'm allergic to them too.

SHEL: Well then, we have a problem.

RICH: Yeah, I guess we do.

SHEL: I mean Bonnie and I have been together since she was a baby.

RICH: Oh, God. It's getting worse.

SHEL: Oh, boy, Richard. Not that I don't care about you, but well I can't be with a man who can't be with my dog. RICH: Look, look, I understand.

SHEL: Gee, I guess it's good we found out now. Before we got real serious.

RICH: I know, it's hard for me too. I don't know, Shelly, maybe I just need some time alone.

SHEL: Okay.

RICH: To dance in the street .

[Scene 3: ATM on 8th St. Caroline is still waiting for her $$$.]

CARO: Come on, this is taking forever. [Card comes out] Finally. [checks for $$$] Hey, where's my money. Hello! Got my card, got my receipt, got no money! Hey.

ANNE: [entering] It wasn't his limo. He was the driver. You know, they should make them wear hats.

[Scene 4: Eighth Street Bank. Caroline and Annie are in an office.]

CARO: [to Annie, who is eating potato chips] Will you stop?

ANNE: I'm hungry. This is taking all afternoon.

CARO: They look good. Sour cream and onion?

ANNE: Uh huh. [Annie takes a chip from Mrs. Banks' plate] Oh just take one, you know you want it. [Caroline takes a chip][Enter Mrs. Banks]

BANK: Good afternoon, Miss Duffy. [takes the plate away.] I'm Mrs. Banks.

CARO: Your name's Mrs. Banks and you work at a bank. That's pretty funny, huh.

BANK: Why?

ANNE: Is she gonna get her money back, or what?

BANK: Are you a relative?

ANNE: Annie Spidarro. Outside agitator.

BANK: It was probably just a computer error.

CARO: Don't you just hate technology?

ANNE: Yeah.

BANK: No, technology is our friend.

ANNE: I think in her case it's a little more than a friend.

BANK: You see, all ATM transactions are videotaped. We simply need to check the tape to verify that you didn't receive the money. [Caroline gets a nasty look on her face]

CARO: There's a, a camera at the ATM machine?

BANK: Yes, right behind the little mirror. [another nasty look] We record everything.

CARO: Everything?

BANK: Do you find comfort in repetition?

CARO: No. No. No, no, no, no. No. [another nasty look]

BANK: What you'll need to do is come back tomorrow morning. The tape will be available then. We can view it together. I'll go get the proper forms. [exit Mrs. Banks]

CARO: Good. Proper forms. Good. Okay, grab your last potato chip, we're getting out of here.

ANNE: Why?

CARO: At the ATM, on the camera, I was, um......

ANNE: What?

CARO: Ah, I was, I was, [motions to nose] I was stealing second.

ANNE: Oh, gross. And everything looks bigger on camera.

CARO: Come on.

ANNE: Right behind you. [grabs a potato chip].

CARO: Hurry up.

ANNE: Okay. [dumps a jar of candy into her purse]

[Scene 5: Caroline's Apartment. Richard is there.]

RICH: [to Salty] You know, I used to hate animals and then I met a dog named Bonnie Belinda who saved my life.

DEL: [entering] Oh, hey, Richard. Sweetie?

RICH: Sweetie isn't here.

DEL: Where is she?

RICH: Ah, reading to the blind, gynecologist. Who listens?

DEL: You know, it's amazing, with an attitude like that that you have a girlfriend at all.

RICH: You know, actually, though it's none of your business, Shelly and I have successfully broken up.

DEL: Oh, you finally dumped her.

RICH: No, I don't dump people. I graciously disengage.

DEL: So, you lied to her.

RICH: No, I didn't lie to her. I told her I was allergic to her dog. And I am allergic to corn. Technically it was just an exaggeration.

DEL: Allergic to her dog? That is good. She does have a dog, doesn't she?

RICH: Yes she does. Oh, this is great. I don't know what makes me feel worse: lying to her, or you being proud of me.

DEL: Hey, don't be hard on yourself. You just did the guy thing. Welcome to Mars.

[Outside in the hall.]

CARO: Now, promise me you won't tell them.

ANNE: What kind of person do you think I am?

CARO: I repeat: promise me you won't tell them. [they enter] Hey, guys.

DEL: Hey, hey. What ya' been?

ANNE: Well, you guys won't believe this. Caroline and I were out at the ATM on Eighth St.

CARO: Okay, fine, let's just get it out in the open. I picked my nose and they got it on videotape. Give me your best shot. You may not get another opportunity like this. Caroline, you're so snotty. Caroline, don't be so picky.

DEL: Caroline, you picked your nose?

RICH: Oh my God. And I use your pencils.

ANNE: Well, I was only going to say you lost your 200 bucks, but hey.

DEL: I can't believe you did that in public.

CARO: I didn't know it was in public.

DEL: Are you kidding me, on Eighth St.? You weren't even the only one picking your nose.

RICH: Look, I have to work here. All I ask is that no one uses the words 'nose' and 'pick' in the same sentence for the next hour and fifteen minutes.

CARO: You know I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I agree with Richard.

DEL: Of all the people for this to happen to. I mean, you won't even floss in front of me.

CARO: Hey, hey, hey. We all have our own little thing. Who locks the bathroom door even when he's all alone?

DEL: I'm working on that.

RICH: Not in front of the help.

ANNE: Oh, Richard, are we disturbing you? [Annie turns him away] So let me get this straight. You've been dating for nine months and you won't floss in front of him and you won't pee in front of her?

CARO: It keeps the mystery alive.

ANNE: But you're, you're a couple. Love means never having to say 'That's disgusting.' I can't wait to meet the guy I can shave my pits in front of.

RICH: Now there's a personals ad waiting to happen.

ANNE: Like I need an ad.

DEL: Hey, wait a minute now. These are two totally different areas. I mean flossing, who cares. But going to the bathroom in front of someone, come on. Hey Richard, back me up.

RICH: Okay, me Switzerland, you the rest of the world.

CARO: Don't talk to him about this. He won't even use my bathroom.

DEL: You won't use someone else's bathroom?

ANNE: Wait a minute. Let's say you were on that plane in the movie Alive . You're in the Andes. You just ate your best friend. You are thousands of miles from your own bathroom.

RICH: Okay that's it. That's it. It's four fifteen, it's got to be quitting time somewhere in the world.

CARO: Look, you're upsetting Richard. I don't even want to talk about this anymore because I am not going back to that bank.

DEL: What do you mean? You're going to give up 200 dollars just because you're a little embarrassed? I'd walk down the street naked for 200 dollars.

CARO: You'd do that for 15, we already determined that last Halloween.

ANNE: Caroline, you have to go back there. You can't let them get away with this.

CARO: I'm not going to let them get away with this. I'm going to mock them in my comic strip.

RICH: No, no, no. Caroline, please. Remember when you mocked the electric company? I'm not working by candlelight again.

ANNE: You want to get back at the bank? Here's what you do. You open a safe deposit box, you put in a piece of liver. Three months later they'll know Caroline Duffy is not a person to be screwed with.

DEL: Come on Caroline, go in there, you're a little embarrassed, you come out with a little money. It's like being a guest on The Ricki Lake Show .

RICH: Oh, please, why don't you just leave her alone. Look, Caroline has some standards, something you both have learned to live without.

CARO: Well thank you, Richard.

RICH: Of course if you really had standard you wouldn't have done anything that disgusting in the first place. If you'll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. [exits]

[Scene 6: Music is playing. Richard is dancing around in his apartment while dressing.]

RICH: [singing] I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today [knock at the door][Richard opens it] uh huh [sees it's Shelley] Uh oh!

SHEL: Well, it's done.

RICH: Wa, wa, what's done?

SHEL: I thought and I thought and I thought, if the only way for us to be together is for me to give Bonnie up, then that's the way it has to be. This morning I went out and found her a new home.

RICH: You gave up your dog for me?

SHEL: She's with this great family. The Flemings have this huge house on Long Island and a big yard for Bonnie to play in. So I guess it's just the two of us now. [kiss]

RICH: All this and garlic breath too.

[Scene 7: Caroline's Apartment. Del is fixing breakfast.]

DEL: Hey, honey, don't you have any fun cereals? Something with like an oodle or a dancing elf on the box?

CARO: [coming downstairs] I'll pick up some Captain Crunch on the way home from the bank.

DEL: Oooh, the bank? So you decided to go?

CARO: Yeah I thought about it and you're right.

DEL: Excuse me, I couldn't hear you.

CARO: Too bad, 'cause I'm not gonna say it again. Look it is 200 dollars. And who cares if some stranger sees me doing something gross on videotape? I'm never going to have to see them again.

DEL: Yeah you will, you bank there.

CARO: Not after today. [enter Richard] Hey, Richard, what are you doing out here? RICH: She gave away the dog.

CARO: What?

RICH: Shelley. She couldn't live without me, so she gave her dog away so we could be together.

CARO: Oh, wow.

RICH: I know. Can you imagine how irresistible I'd be if I had money?

CARO: Look, Richard, I think you should be straight with her. Tell her the truth.

RICH: What? That she's suffocating me within an inch of my life?

CARO: Well, sweet talk. You may not want to use those exact words, but tell her the truth. Right, Del?

DEL: [sarcastically] Yeah, right. [Caroline gives him a look] You are. Right you are. Are you losing weight? [another look]

CARO: Nice save. Bye.

DEL: Okay, honey. Have fun at the bank. Love you. [exit Caroline] Okay, you have got to lie through your teeth.

RICH: Really?

DEL: Yeah, trust me. I know lies, I run a greeting card company.

RICH: And what does that have to do with it?

DEL: Richard, think about it. 'You're not getting older; you're getting better.' No you're not, you're getting older. 'I'd marry you all over again.' Yeah, right. If you lost the ugly house coat and started doing sit-ups.

RICH: Look, Del, Del, thanks, but, you know I don't think every problem can be solved with a greeting card.

DEL: Oh, yeah? I've got a Porsche Carrera downstairs that says otherwise. Now listen up. There are two roads you can go down here--the saint, or the slimeball. Now the saint thing is good, but it can come back to bite you in the butt. The slimeball approach is clean. You just have to live the rest of your life with the knowledge that you are, indeed, a slimeball.

RICH: You know it's like country music. You try not to listen, but you just can't help it.

DEL: The saint is definitely the way to go with you. Okay, give me a second here now. Allergic to the dog, she gave up the dog. Oh, oh, ohkay. You go get the dog back. You put it on her doorstep. You tell her it must have found its way back and that you have got to bow out because there is no way that you can come between a woman and such a devoted dog.

RICH: That is disgusting.

DEL: You're welcome.

[Scene 8: The bank. Mrs. Banks is sitting in her office. Caroline enters carefully.]

CARO: Hello, Mrs. Banks. I'm here and I'm late. So let's just pop that old tape in and get it over with and you can get back to work.

BANK: This is my work. Besides, we have to wait for our manager. He has to approve the transaction.

CARO: Oh, I thought it was just going to be you and me watching it. Kinda like a couple of gals, sitting around watching a movie. I brought a Kit Kat.

BANK: Nope. [enter Mr. Green] This is Mr. Green, he'll verify it. And contrary to what you must be thinking, he's not really green.

GREEN: Thank you, Sarah. The Caroline Duffy. It is a pleasure to meet you. You know, I'll tell you, I've been a fan of your comic strip, well, for years.

CARO: And I enjoy your bank statement.

GREEN: So, I understand that one of my cash machines gobbled up some of your money. Funny thing, that also happened to David Letterman, 40 bucks and the guy freaked out. Do you know how much cash the guy has in his checking account alone? Well, of course, confidentiality prohibits me from actually telling you, but you could guess.

CARO: Well, as intrigued as I am by this whole conversation, I....

GREEN: Come on, take a guess. I'll let you know when you're getting warmer.

CARO: 135,000 dollars?

GREEN: Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold.

CARO: Well it wasn't easy for me to come down here so could we just, like, speed through this whole thing and get on with out lives.

GREEN: Oh, you celebrities, busy, busy, busy. Okay, here we go. Let me just find this little problem here, okay. [watching the tape] Oh, look at this.

CARO: Is it me?

GREEN: No, take a look at this guy, he's adjusting his toupee. [laughs] Oh, this is one for the Christmas party. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! Look at this, look at this. Sarah, Sarah, get in here. I think we got a keeper! [enter Mrs. Banks] Oh, ho, ho! Look at this! Do you know how many wedgies we get in here a day? [Caroline raises her hand]

CARO: Gee, I just forgot. I left my twins John and Kennedy, Jr. in the car.

GREEN: No, here we go, Miss Duffy, don't rush off. We're coming right up to you, Miss D..[sees the tape][everyone gives her a weird look] Here, just take this to any teller, they'll be able to help you. [everyone is visibly uncomfortable]

CARO: Well, thank you and I guess you'll all be seeing me at the Christmas party.

[Scene 9: The Fleming's house on Long Island. Richard is there.]

RICH: Mr. Fleming? I'm sorry to disturb you. I'm Richard Karinsky, Shelley's friend... the dog lady.

FLEM: Oh, Shelley's friend. Right. What can I do for you?

RICH: Well, I'm afraid she's come to realize that she misses Bonnie Belinda more than she ever thought she would. She's just made a big mistake. I mean she is lost without her.

FLEM: Oh.

RICH: Mr. Fleming, I hate to have to ask this, but is there any way me might have Bonnie Belinda back?

FLEM: Well I don't know. I'm going to have to talk to Joey. [enter Joey] Joey? [signs to him][Richard leaves]

[Scene 10: Caroline's Apartment. She is trying to floss in front of Del.]

DEL: Come on, you can do this.

CARO: I can't, I just can't. I'm sorry.

DEL: You're such a coward.

CARO: Okay, okay, fine. Bathroom. Door open. Let's go. [Del leaves slowly]

DEL: I can't do this either. You know, maybe we're just going too fast.

CARO: Yeah, let's take things a little bit slower.

DEL: Hey, I know. How 'bout if we try cleaning our ears in front of each other?

CARO: That's good. I'll get the Q-tips. You know what the saddest part about all this is? Saturday night.

[Scene 11: Richard's Apartment. Richard is in bed with Shelley, watching a Muppet movie.]

SHEL: [turning off TV] I love that movie. You know what? We're kind of like Kermit and Miss Piggy, too, aren't we? Okay, now they take Manhattan!

RICH: That's it. Desperate times call for desperate measures . [picks his nose]

SHEL: Richard!!!

RICH: Shelley, oh, Shelley, I understand if you're totally disgusted and you never want to see me again.

SHEL: No. That tells me that we are comfortable enough to do these things in front of each other. I'm going to go get my toe nail clippers.

RICH: Ahhh !

[END]

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