MAIN TITLES

As presentation credits begin, we hear Johnny Cash's "Home of the Blues." Then we see Allison's name, under it Alex's, under that Robert's, under that Quentin's, then under that the title logo for Four Rooms, followed by "Starring Tim Roth as the Bellboy." Then "The Guests" listed in alphabetical order of all the actors playing guests. After the actors' names, we . . .

FADE UP ON A WALL

The camera pans down a weathered wall covered with postcards from Miami Beach, Florida, the Copacabana, N.Y.C., "Wish You Were Here" from Niagara Falls, rickshaws and babes on beaches, etc . . . .

The camera comes to rest on an old photograph of a 1930s hotel, the "Mon Signor," in its heyday, with a full staff of 30 people posed on the lawn in front.

An old guy with a staccato voice delivers a monologue:

Another voice of a young man interrupts.

A wisp of smoke passes over a napkin pinned to the wall with a lip print on it signed "Marilyn." The camera pulls back to reveal Ted and the Old Guy sitting on a foldout cot in a small back room of the Hotel Mon Signor. The old man is dressed in a striped T-shirt with a bellhop's cap on. He looks like an old pirate. Next to him on the bed sits Ted, a young guy with a bellhop jacket draped over his knees. The old bellhop takes a long drag off a big cigar.

The old bellhop takes a hit off his cigar and stares down at his cap, lost in thought.

The old guy passes the cap over to Ted.

Ted puts the cap on.

The Old Guy gets up from the bed and throws a jacket on. Pulls a few postcards off the wall, throws them in an old straw suitcase, and slams the lid down. He heads for the door. Ted follows.

The Old Guy pauses for a second and looks Ted dead in the eye.

The door slams shut on the back room.

INT. HOTEL LOBBY--TWILIGHT

The big empty lobby of the Mon Signor. You can tell that at one point this used to be a swank place. It still is, kinda. It's also kinda decrepit. The concierge--a snappy, fast-talking, red-haired young woman in a blue blazer named Betty--stands behind the reception desk. The old man, suitcase in hand, makes a beeline through the lobby, heading toward the front door. Betty sees him.

The Old Guy stops in his tracks and turns around.

Betty comes from behind the desk.

The Old Guy squints his eyes at the young gal.

She speaks to the Old Guy as she lights his cigar and he puffs away.

Betty is left standing in the lobby. Ted appears behind her in his bellbody uniform, sans cap.

They walk out of frame. In the empty frame we

SUPER: NEW YEAR'S EVE 7:00 P.M.

INT. BACK ROOM--NIGHT

Betty and Ted sit in the back room, both with drinks in their hand. This dialogue is to be delivered rapid fire, Howard Hawks style.

Ted spews his drink.

Betty slows the scene down.

Betty takes a piece of paper and writes her number down.

Ted thinks about it for a moment.

Betty begrudgingly digs in her purse.

She gives him the money.

Betty leaves.

Ted sits in the chair, takes another drink, and prepares himself for the night.

FADE TO BLACK

STORY TITLE CARD:

FADE IN:

EXT. THE MON SIGNOR HOTEL--DUSK

Ted, the bellboy, meets his first guest of the evening, as a taxi unloads her luggage. To his warm surprise, the guest is a Beautiful Mediterranean Goddess (actually, we will come to see she is not technically a goddess, but a High Priestess). She is about 25 years old, speaks with an Italian accent and is dressed in Gypsy garb. She is Athena.

Ted takes Athena's luggage onto his cart. But one item in a woven Moroccan bag proves to be unbearably heavy. Athena is concerned as he attempts to lift it.

Ted strains as he uses all his cojones to lift the insanely heavy bag onto the cart. Athena tips the cab driver, stingily. The driver winces and gets in the cab. Ted has now managed with grunts and groans and strained blood vessels to put this thing on the cart. The cab skids away. Athena looks at Ted, who is out of breath.

Ted wheezes and pounds on his chest.

As if she can't help herself, Athena's eyes are strangely drawn to his crotch. She frowns, confused by this impulse. Ted appears to be charmingly oblivious.

Athena looks back into his face.

Ted touches his face--as if searching for the "purple" in it--and moves the cart inside, discreetly checking out his crotch and giving her a confused side glance.

INT. FRONT DESK--DUSK

Ted shifts hats to check the girl in. He checks her reservation.

He looks at this wacky Gypsy chick numbly--she pulls out her Gold Card and smiles.

EXT. ELEVATOR--DUSK

The doors open and Ted and Athena emerge upon the third floor. Ted follows Athena with the cart down the hallway to her room.

AT THE HONEYMOON SUITE DOOR

Ted opens the door, then lifts the easiest bags first. In the center of the room is a Jacuzzi with hokey plastic cupids poised with urns on each side. A dormant fireplace looms beyond the still hot tub.

Ted stares at the heavy bag with anxiety--then looks in front of him to Athena as she rubs the round plastic head of a little Cupid and mumbles, "Perfect." Then, arms open wide, chin lifted to heaven, eyes closed, she mumbles a faint incantation. Then she does a belly-dance wiggle and turns to Ted, who is truly perplexed.

He starts to lift it, again straining and turning purple. He laughs sickly.

She relieves him of the task and effortlessly picks up the bag.

Ted is stunned as she slings the bag over her shoulder and pauses to pull a 10 spot out of her cleavage. She hands it to him. Ted is grateful and disoriented.

Ted nods, confused by "the others," and walks off with the cart. Then he turns from outside the doorway.

But Athena is ahead of him--she flips a switch and water begins to flow from the baby cupids' urns into the hot tub.

As she says this, the door closes with a strange force, shutting Ted out. Athena takes the bag to the bedroom of the suite.

IN THE SUITE BEDROOM

A round bed with pink tuck'n'roll headboard. It's impossible to imagine having an orgasm in this room--unless it were achieved by laughing.

Athena carefully removes a large, beautiful white slab of stone from her tapestry bag. She caresses it and carries it like a baby to the bed and places it in the very center, the head of the rock resting on dusty heart-shaped pillows.

Then she removes from her bag a pink negligee and matching high-heeled slippers. And these she places with reverance on the bed.

CLOSE ON the rock slab. We hold the artifact.

INT. FRONT DESK--DUSK FALLS

Just as Ted is recovering from the mystery of this first guest, Elspeth arrives. She has skin like marble, the body of Venus, piercing blue eyes, blond hair and is dressed all in black clothing, like Honey West in a rubber dress. She carries several bags, and a silver sword on her shoulder.

Then she snaps, irritated, behind her.

ANGLE ON a young punk rocker chick with long orange hair, a long leather coat, wearing a tight T-shirt with studs spelling "PUSSY" across her breasts. This is Kiva.

Kiva is kicking the tar and nicotine outta the cigarette machine. Just as Ted's eyes grow wide with anxiety, several packs of smokes drop into the juvenile delinquent's hands.

She stares at him without humor. He fumbles for the key. He walks around the desk to help her with her black crocodile luggage. Jars clang inside. He is ready to go, but Elspeth turns to lecture Kiva on the hazards of smoking, as Kiva lights up.

As Kiva goes off on her impression of a game-show host, Elspeth is growing increasingly rageful, like a mother with an unruly child. Ted waits, luggage in hand.

She cuts Kiva's ramble off. Kiva blows smoke defiantly.

Ted looks on uneasily at the relationship that is beginning to unfold here. Elspeth checks his reaction and becomes self-conscious at his scrutiny.

But her wild child looks off, bored. Elspeth turns to Ted, flustered.

Ted smiles uneasily and reaches to relieve her of her sword, but Elspeth quickly slams her palm on the sword and shoots him a piercing glare. He jumps back with a light nervous laugh. He leads the way to the elevator.

AT THE HONEYMOON SUITE DOOR

The couch has been set out here in the hall, as well as coffee tables, lamps, and the TV. Elspeth and Kiva enter the room. Athena is gone. As Ted stumbles around the furniture in the hall, he peers in the room and see a transformation. With most of the furniture removed, candles and incense and flowers are beginning to form an altar around the fireplace.

But oddest of all is the pink-tinged water swirling in the Jacuzzi and pouring from the cupid urns. A sprinkle of white powder on the carpet encircles the hot tub. Elspeth hands him a tip as he gawks at the circle.

Ted starts away again, perplexed. He turns for one last look to see Elspeth kneeling before Kiva, who sprawls on the floor. He shakes his head and leaves.

Kiva looks around the room and spies the TV in the hallway. She turns to Elspeth with sarcastic concession.

Elspeth bristles as the brat saunters off to the bedroom. Elspeth enters the sacred circle, stands before the altar, whips out her sword, and makes a ceremonial gesture pointing the sword upward, perfectly centered between her breasts.

Kiva, behind Elspeth's back, exits from the bedroom doorway into the hall and comes back in, lugging the TV into the honeymoon bedroom.

Elspeth kneels before the altar. Athena enters the room with the "cleansed" artifact and lays the slab in the center of the altar upon the heart-shaped pillows as Elspeth lays her sword next to the rock. The women look upon the union with tender affection.

Athena stands up but her reverie is dispelled as she shrieks! Loud TV suddenly blasts from the bedroom and Kiva the brat is trying on the pink negligee over her clothes. Athena takes the negligee off the irrepressible youth.

The women have a stare-down. Then Athena calls out--

Elspeth becomes anxious with jealousy. Athena is exasperated as she firmly demands from Elspeth--

Elspeth defers to Athena with remembered reverance and respect. She bows apologetic and scurries to the bedroom.

IN THE BEDROOM

Elspeth swallows her rage and approaches the brat with a soft touch.

Kiva smirks . . . yeah, she knows.

And saying this, she kisses Kiva's nose and leaves the room. Kiva is quieted now. As Elspeth closes the bedroom door, she has the last word.

Kiva slinks back on the bed, put in her place--for now.

IN THE HALLWAY/EXT. ELEVATOR--DUSK

The doors open and Ted pushes a cart of expensive designer luggage--and lots of it--behind yet another Gorgeous Gal. This one is Jezebel, a Southern beauty, fawning over her cat, as she carries nothing else, and proceeds down the hall like a Southern princess.

AT THE DOOR

Jezebel bursts in, chattering.

Ted carries all her bags inside awkwardly. Again, the place has become all the more tranformed with wild canopies of exotic cloths and fixings. Elspeth and Athena are hard at work on a strange nature sculpture as Jezebel enters. She stands inside the powdered circle and before the hot tub, which now has dark blue water swirling inside. She presents her cat--upward toward heaven--frees the cat, bares her breasts and sucks in the vibes: "Ahhhh."

Ted settles the bags down, hoping for a peek at her charms, but her back is to him. The kitty rubs on her leg. She picks it up and presses it against her bare breasts, petting it sweetly. She winks and hands him a tip.

And saying this, she shoos him away. Through the glass doors to the bedroom, she sees Kiva sprawled on the bed, writing on herself.

Elspeth seethes at her. Jezebel acts blithely innocent.

IN THE HALLWAY

Ted is walking from the room with the cart. His face is etched in a mask of perpetual frown as he looks at the tip in his hand--at least these lunachicks tip well.

Waking him out of his deep mood is Raven. Another female intoxication, she wears a short skirt, all done up in Native American, Southwestern themes. No shoes. But she carries a small, old handmade broom. She moves down the hall, blissed-out. Ted makes eye contact, despite himself.

Ted looks down at the broom at her side, her bare feets, her thick dark hair. It keeps getting weirder. She wanders off.

INT. FRONT DESK--NIGHT

The last of the lovely girls arrives. She is different from the others. She looks like a farm girl, very Earth Mother, with a tablecloth halter top and skirt, sandals, and a simple scarf over her long dark curls. She carries two bags by herself and holds a small black pot under her arm. She is Eva.

She lowers her eyes, worried.

She is so sweet and sincere that he feels like a heel to have been irritated with her. He picks up her bags.

Eva smiles, beautifully.

IN THE ELEVATOR

Ted holds Eva's hippy sacks as she holds her black pot. There is a shy quiet tension here.

Eva's heart sinks. They arrive at the door. He carries her bags in.

IN THE SUITE

The room is entirely transformed into a beautiful glowing palace with an elaborate altar, both earthly and the other-earthly. The other four girls are arranging the altar as Eva enters.

Ted is slightly queasy. She hands him a tip and smiles, then takes it back.

Ted's no fool, he waits while Eva looks through her change purse.

CLOSE ON Ted's face as he gets thoroughly grossed out.

Eva places a nice tip in his palm.

Ted sighs as Eva enters the circle with her black pot. She kneels softly, holds her hands in piety before the altar, and softly incants as she offers her pot and places it on the altar. The stone and sword and flowers now rest here on pillows covered in chiffon scarves. The negligee hangs from the mantel, the slippers underneath as if expecting someone to materialize into the garments.

Ted is watching Eva, enchanted.

Ted has scribbled down the items as she speaks. He looks at this list and these girls and shudders as he walks away. He turns, points at Eva.

Ted smiles at this angel of a girl. She smiles back. But, as she looks him in the eyes, he feels a strange buzzing connection happening. He holds his head, almost swooning with dizziness. Athena smirks.

Ted comes out of his daze, looks at the list again and huffs off. After he goes, the girls begin to bring forth their most treasured offerings in ornate ancient bottles, vases or vials.

Jezebel folds her arms and clears her throat in the direction of Kiva, sitting idly on the edge of the blue water Jacuzzi, with her feet dipping irreverently in the water.

She climbs up the stairs, trying to pull the brat to her feet.

Kiva sees a bit of weakening here; she takes her feet out of the Jacuzzi. She begins to speak softly.

Elspeth begins to weaken. But continues to pull the brat up. Kiva pours on softer seduction.

Elspeth is now fully seduced. Kiva takes Elspeth's hand and presses it lightly on her face.

Kiva nods. Elspeth is enthralled, but from a disgusted "ick" sound from Jezebel, Elspeth realizes she's revealing this side of her life--in front of her coven. She nervously looks around and see all the coven looking at her: a disgusted Jezebel, an understanding Raven, a preoccupied Eva and an impatient and stern Athena.

Elspeth comes to her senses, straightens her posture.

She turns on Elspeth and bites her hand. Elspeth pulls her arm away and grabs Kiva by the hair.

Elspeth lets go of Kiva's hair. Kiva jerks away from her.

Kiva stomps off into the bedroom.

Elspeth enters the powered circle. Each girl takes off her shoes. They anoint themselves with oils.

The girls moan in sleepy, eerie agreement as they begin to sway within the circle.

And saying this, the girls all form a "rock" with their bodies gracefully draped one upon the other. Music begins, and slowly they start to unfold from the rock. The girls each find their place in a semicircle around the Jacuzzi. Some bare their breasts, other strip off a layer of clothes. They anoint their arms with water from the Jacuzzi.

They begin a lovely dance, snaking their way around the semicircle. The first one to go from one end to the other is Athena. She then proceeds up the stairs and positions herself between the altar and the Jacuzzi. She steps forth with a bottle to the altar and pours it into the Jacuzzi.

Each of the girls moans eerily. Athena places the bottle on the altar and bows away. She joins the circle as Elspeth now steps forward with her offering in a vial.

The girls moan loudly as they sway. Jezebel places her offering in the hot tub and bows out, returning to the circle. Now Raven comes forth with a small leather canteen. She unscrews the lid as she offers in her opiate stupor.

She pours liquid into the mix, as the witches moan. Now it's Eva's turn. Eva continues to sway, not moving forth to the altar. The girls keep their eyes closed as they sway, waiting for Eva's offering. Athena finally gives her a push and she goes.

Eva kneels before the altar. She produces a silver bottle with a chain on its cap and neck. She timidly begins to incant.

The moans turn to wails as the girls GASP and SHRIEK! Athena opens her eyes, wildly.

Elspeth opens her eyes and folds her arms, smirking bitterly.

Eva bursts into tears. Athena is firm.

Just then: a knock at the door.

Athena smiles and turns to Eva.

Ted opens the door. His eyes bulge out as he looks upon the fleshly feast. He steps back. They giggle seductively, all except Eva, who sniffles, red-eyed. Amazingly, Ted's attention is captivated by Eva's sorrow, not by the naked charms of the other witches. She shyly covers her breasts. Sensitive to her shame and sorrow, he looks away and steps from the door to fetch the room-service cart. Athena directs the others to put on their shirts. Ted wheels in the cart.

He points to the trout. Elspeth picks it up, flings the eyes into the Jacuzzi, and tosses the trout out of the window. She smirks at him comtemptuously.

The girls step out. Athena turns to Eva and points to her watch, then holds up one finger. Eva looks up, worried. The door closes on her and Ted. She looks at Ted and sighs. He covers her with a shawl.

IN THE HALLWAY

The other witches listen at the door.

She runs back in for her bratty girlfriend, who is already sneaking out the bedroom door.

The witches disperse.

INT. HONEYMOON SUITE--NIGHT

Eva sits among pillows before the altar as Ted stands in front of her. Ted is trying his best to make poor Eva smile. But no matter what his antics, she looks off sadly.

Ted waits; she sighs and rest her chin in her hand.

She begins to cry tearfully again.

He postures proudly, all puffed out. Eva looks at him helplessly. And he paternally encourages her to explain.

He looks around the room: QUICK CUTS of candles, iconography, jars of lurid substances, unknown body parts of animals woven into the nature sculpture . . . and are those tongues in that can? Ted's getting the creeps, but again puffs himself up.

Eva nods, looking lovingly at the stone.

Ted frowns as he ponders all this. Eva takes a photo from the altar and hands it to Ted.

CLOSE ON photo: a Blond Bombshell in full-on Betty Page attire, a bare-tittied pinup girl, playfully spanking a girl in bondage with a spiked high heel.

The photograph slowly comes alive. Diana stops spanking the girl and unties her. She pulls the girl (in the black satin mask) up off her lap and makes the girl stand. The women face each other and break into a cheek-to-cheek tango.

CLOSE ON Ted as he shakes his head. Are his eyes playing tricks on him?

She begins to sob again. Ted comforts her.

He holds up the photo. Eva nods.

Eva looks off. Ted searches his brains, thoroughly sickened now.

She nods; he winces, queasy. Eva looks at him, helpless.

Eva sobs, pleading. She throws off her shawl, baring her lovely breasts, and reaches her arms around his neck. He keeps backing off. Unbeknownst to him, he is already doing a ritualistic shuffle.

He is backing away, into the circle, as she comes for him, soft and sweet. Her eyes are again putting the magic hex on him, as he tries to resist her gaze.

All the while she is stepping toward him into the circle.

Eva sweetly takes his hand and places it on her breast.

They fall into a kiss, as she begins to remove his cap. She moves him toward the Jacuzzi, closer and closer.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HALLWAY--NIGHT

Ted pushes his room-service cart. He is flushed. Puffed up. Lights a cigarette, takes a great big, satisfied drag. Eva runs to the door dreamily, her naked body wrapped in her shawl. She passes him a card.

She smiles and shuts the door. The other witches are arriving with supplies from the garden. Kiva, now having raised her blood sugar, sucks on a lollipop, a sunny girl. She talks to Raven, who carries a birch limb.

The other girls roll their eyes as Elspeth smiles proudly. Ted blows smoke at them and pushes his cart off down the hall. The witches run inside the room.

IN THE SUITE

Eva sits, blissed-out, in the center of the circle, smiles.

Athena regally leads the ritual as they all bare their breasts again. Kiva throws off her shirt to join in. As she does, we see black bondage tape on her nipples. Elspeth darts a quick look at the tape, looks at the other witches--not sure she likes this--but she goes with it. The witches sway in a circle, eyes closed, as Eva makes her offering.

The witches all incant.

They march half-naked as they moan and revel in eerie cries. The Jacuzzi begins to bubble and boil. Their cries heighten; the potion bubbles over.

DISSOLVE TO:

HOURS LATER

Athena reads from a huge leatherbound book, The Book of Shadows, full of potions and spells. Four discouraged witches pack their bags. The room has been restored to its worldly under-splendor. Kiva uses the remote on the TV . . . so much for witchcraft. The slab of rock remains a slab.

The witches sadly collect their things. Athena, deep in thought, strokes the slab.

They all agree. They pick up their bags and head out.

They leave the room. Jezebel's cat leaps from her arms as she hoists her luggage. Eva walks out satisfied, thought perhaps a little sore--"ouch," she says, and smiles. Athena takes one last look at their goddess slab.

She closes the door on the Honeymoon Suite (till next New Year's Eve!).

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE UP ON:

INT. MON SIGNOR LOBBY--NIGHT

Ted behind the desk, on the phone. We only hear his side.

He hangs up.

SUPER: 1:00 a.m.

The phone rings again.

INT. ROOM 404--NIGHT

A small party is going on. A long-haired Yuppie Scum type in on the line. Music BLARES. People dance in background.

INT. FRONT DESK--NIGHT

BACK AND FORTH

The Yuppie turns away from the phone and speaks to Real Theodore.

CUT TO:

STORY TITLE CARD:

INT. DARK HALLWAY

Ted saunters down a hallway with a butt hanging out the corner of his mouth and a bucket of ice swinging at his side. He pulls up at a door on which the faded numbers read something like "Room 404."

Ted knocks on the door. After a moment, the latch is thrown and the door swings open. Ted cautiously steps into the dark room.

INT. ROOM 404

A DEMONIC CACKLE cuts through the darkness.

In a flash the lights switch on and Ted finds himself staring down the barrel of a pretty intense-looking .357 Magnum, cocked and ready to fire. At the other end of the gun stands a 50-year-old man, Sigfried, who sports a Cheshire Cat smile and a "just try fuckin' with me" look on his face. Sigfried isn't the only person in the room. Directly behind him sits a beautiful young woman, Angela, gagged and bound to a chair. Ted drops the bucket to the floor.

Sigfried reaches in his pocket and throws a handful of assorted stimulants into his mouth, chewing on them like they were breath mints. Sigfried thrusts his hand forward, gripping Ted by the throat, and leads him to Angela.

Sigfried turns to Angela.

Suddenly, with great force, Sigfried slams the butt of his pistol smack into Ted's temple, sending him to the floor. Ted looks up at Sigfried in shock.

A tense silence fills the room. All eyes are on Ted, who can't figure out what the fuck this guy wants.

Sigfried looks hard with disbelief at Ted, who winces back.

Sigfried throws another handful of pills into his mouth.

Ted has struck a raw nerve. Sigfried's mood swings drastically; he bends down next to Ted.

The phone rings.

Sigfried glances at it. Then to Angela. He picks up the phone.

He listens to the other line, says good-bye, and hangs up.

Sigfried kneels next to Ted and assumes a prayer position.

Sigfried, hands clasped together, signals for Ted to do the same. The gun lies at his side. Ted considers a bold move, but thinks better of it. Sigfried's eyes pop open. He cuts a look to Ted, signaling him to assume the pose.

Ted looks to Angela for help. She can only stare back with intense, wide-open eyes.

Ted repeats what Sigfried has told him. This appears to have a calming effect on Sigfried, who gets up off the floor, turning his face to Angela.

Angela nods.

Naturally, Angela says nothing.

Sigfried turns to Ted.

Angela attempts to speak through the gag. Both men wait with bated breath for a response. Sigfried's had enough.

Ted beckons Sigfried.

Sigfried empties the last of the pills into his mouth, heaving the empty bottle over his shoulder. He takes off, disappearing into the bathroom.

INT. ROOM 404

Ted finds himself alone with Angela. They lock eyes. Angela implores Ted to lean forward. Ted sizes up the situation: His chances of making it to the door are slim due to the fact that he would have to pass by the bathroom door. Ted paces back and forth in front of Angela, who struggles to get his attention. He whips around and they face off in what appears to be a game of charades. Ted finally gets the point and cautiously removes the gag from Angela's mouth. Angela spits an old sock out.

Ted wrestles with the idea of whether to untie Angela or not.

On nervous impulse, Ted begins the calculations.

Ted collapses to his knees in front of Angela.

Ted collects himself.

Ted is at a loss as to what to do. Angela turns on the charm.

Ted creeps towards her.

Sigfried suddenly comes to life . . . . He's heard from the bathroom belting out "Life is but a dream . . . she-boom, she-boom."

Ted hurries to replace the sock in her mouth.

INT. ROOM 404

Sigfried coughs, sending a chill up Ted's spine. Ted whips around to discover Sigfried leaning up against the door to the bathroom.

Ted's fingers are frozen over Angela's lips.

Ted starts to back toward the door.

The directness of Sigfried's command, coupled with the SOUND of a trigger being cocked, forces Ted to approach Angela. Angela is a stunning beauty, and Ted being kind of a shy guy makes for an awkward situation. Ted leans forward. As he closes in, Angela's eyes close.

Ted pulls up short of actually nibbling on Angela.

Sigfried yanks Ted backwards. He wraps his arms around him.

Ted struggles to free himself from Sigfried's powerful bear hug and blasts out the following monologue.

Sigfried has followed the entire tirade in stunned silence. He takes a step toward Ted and offers him his hand.

Sigfried cuts a "Something wrong with that?" look at Ted.

Ted cautiously takes Sigfried's hand.

Sigfried holds onto Ted's hand. The soft sound of distant fireworks pops in the background. Car horns and a muffled countdown signal that it's New Year's. Sigfried moves uncomfortably close to Ted and from out of nowhere bolts forward, planting a wet kiss right on Ted's mouth. Something snaps in Sigfried. He is either really getting off on this or he is caught in the grips of a seizure. He doubles back on the floors. Ted and Angela watch as he flops around like a flounder with the cocked gun waving all over the place. Ted wipes his mouth with his jacket sleeve while trying to dodge the barrel of the gun.

Sigfried manages to steady the gun and point it directly at Ted. He signals for Ted to go to the bathroom.

Sigfried grabs Ted by the leg and shove the barrel of the gun into his crotch. Sigfried pulls Ted's face closer to his.

Ted rushes into the bathroom, leaving Sigfried a babbling mess behind.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM--SAME TIME

Ted enters the bathroom, which appears shaken by an earthquake. Towels and wet clothes are all over the place. An evening gown is flushed halfway down the toilet and pills are everywhere. Sigfried is shouting from the other room to hurry. Ted checks the cabinet, searching for a bottle marked "Nitro." No luck. Ted spots a small window set above the toilet.

He figures this is the best chance he's got to make a break.

Ted goes for it. He manages to get his head and one arm through the window before he gets stuck. His legs dangle in the bathroom. Struggle as he may, he can only hit the toilet-bowl lever, which sends a loud FLUSH SOUND out through the apartment.

EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW--NIGHT

Outside the window, Ted's in another world. He's almost safe. It's a strange feeling, kind of like bathing in warm water in paradise, knowing a huge shark is ready to rip his ass off. He can see the flickering red glowing light from the witches' room from the floor below.

EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW AND BELOW--NIGHT

Ted sees Eva bopping naked past the window. He shouts her name out, to no avail. The MUSIC drowns out his voice and they ignore his calls for help. The blood rushes to his head. He lets himself hang there for a moment. He wonders how many other people have found themselves in situations like this before him. Probably everyone. Right next to his face, Ted recognizes a bloody hand print. It's not his blood.

EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW AND ABOVE--NIGHT

Ted hears a sound from above and twists himself around, spotting a young man (previously seen as the Yuppie Scumbag on the phone) leaning out of the window directly above him. After a quick moment of sizing him up, Ted gathers himself.

No answer. Something's wrong with the guy, all the blood is drained from his face and he is mumbling something.

Silence.

The young man manages to belt out the word "ice" just before hurling a mouthful of vomit toward Ted. It takes all Ted's strength to dodge the puke and pull himself back into the bathroom. He falls back on the floor.

He props himself up and checks for damage. He notices something odd . . . the room is silent. No Sigfried. He walks into the bedroom.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL BEDROOM--MOMENTS LATER

Ted looks around the still room. No one's there.

He heads toward the door and, from out of the corner of his eye, he spots Sigfried's hairy leg. Sigfried has passed out on the floor. Angela's chair has been knocked on its side. Ted races over to help lift her back up. He pulls the gag from her mouth. Angela jumps all over him.

Ted struggles to untie Angela.

The knots are all over the place and a real bitch to untie.

Ted turns on a dime and runs smack into Sigfried, who's been taking in the whole conversation.

Angela hears Sigfried's voice from behind her back.

Ted edges his way toward the door.